‘It’s on local radio now, as well as all the social media.’
Councillor Brian Blogs was beginning to wonder why he had been so keen to get elected, let alone becoming the leader of the council. His colleague Jaylene turned the radio up.
Locals are up in arms over the gigantic new art installation down on the sea front, apparently installed without any consultation. These were some of the comments.
I thought the council were broke.
Call it art, monstrosity.
Completely spoils my sea view.
Brian turned the radio off and proceeded with plan B. Go and see it for himself. Would the public believe the council had nothing to do with it? The two black monoliths were not there yesterday and this morning they were, set firmly in the ground …
‘Jaylene, call the police and um, do we have an engineering department? Could this thing be dangerous, topple over?’
Brian had to admit he was impressed. The monoliths stood close, an eerie silence emanating from them, amid the hub bub all around. Black with a strange glitter, interesting textures … his thoughts were interrupted when a microphone was shoved in his face.
‘Councillor Blogs, who came up with the idea for this very unusual structure?’
‘Absolutely no idea, this has nothing to do with the council, it has been illegally erected. Our engineers will be examining how it can be removed safely and police will be investigating who put it there.’
‘Is it true that no one saw it arrive?’
‘CCTV footage shows nothing there one moment and the next moment it was there, as if it had appeared from outer space. I suggest our next move will be to get the UFO experts in.’
Brian was rather pleased with the result of his radio interview. All the UFO experts and other nutters had come out of the woodwork and taken interest away from the council. He was beginning to think they had the only logical explanations.
‘Time to put away your toys children, count the Jenga blocks to make sure none are missing.’
‘Daddy, two are missing, I bet it’s Yogo’s fault.’
‘Yogo, have you been throwing toys down the chute again? If those blocks have fallen out that will be another planet we can’t secretly visit.’
‘Daddy, you promised we could land, we’ve never been to a planet with water.’
‘If the inhabitants are clever they might already be tracking us, we can’t take the risk. Let’s see what data Mummy has found out.’
‘Mummy, Mummy are there any people on this one?’
‘Yes darling, just like us, except, except… they are very small, that explains how they fit so many on their little planet.’
‘How small, I promise to be careful.’
‘As small as your Lego figures. We would frighten them and that goes against the second convention.’
‘But I want my Jenga blocks back.’
‘Daddy, can we have some as pets.’
‘No, certainly not, that goes against the third convention. We do have an obligation not to leave litter so we will use electromagnetic extraction and hope no tiny humans are in the way.’
Meanwhile in the wider world I missed this tiny bit of news on Friday morning and wondered why a friend messaged saying ‘hope Microsoft gets fixed so you can order your carpet.’ I wondered whatsap on earth she was talking about. Thank goodness brunch with friends was not affected and fortunately they had heard what was happening, or rather, not happening around the world.
Meanwhile at the carpet shop one doesn’t need a computer to pick a carpet and they write in a book.
And luckily you could still get hydrated for free with an amazing new invention… a water fountain.
All the rain has been good for nomowing.
When ‘news items’ pop up on your computer do you get distracted from writing your blog? Am I theonly person who hasn’t heard about these folk before?
’10-foot-tall people’ discovered by archaeologists in Nevada cave – Extraordinary human remains have been found in the US state of Nevada, with some of the skeletons measuring up to 10 feet tall. Alongside their jaw-dropping size, the bodies – some of which were said to have been mummified – were found to have had red hair.
Back to the present and what lies round the corner?
After a ride on that perhaps you had better go somewhere more relaxing.
Have you been affected by the big switch off or ten foot giants?
Florella was bored, very bored. Shopping was not the way to spend a sunny summer day. She was nine, too old to be stuck with her mother in the freezer aisle. Her mother was not even shopping, just gossiping with her friend. They could never go round the supermarket without meeting someone they knew, but suddenly an escape idea presented itself. Her mother would not even notice if she walked out of the shop.
Outside the sun was warm on her face and Florella’s arms began to thaw out after the cold of the freezer aisle. Her feet took on a direction of their own and propelled her down the road, down the lane and towards the park by the river. But as she approached, Florella thought she must have gone the wrong way. This was not the park. Caravans were parked beneath shady trees, there were patches of wonderful bright green grass where the sun reached. It was magical, where was she? The strange place, the adventure of really running away, made her brave enough to explore.
The grass was still wet after yesterday’s rain, but she did not care if she got her feet wet. Florella sauntered amongst the caravans. All the doors were closed except one. She wasn’t quite brave enough to look inside, but didn’t need to as a girl suddenly popped out.
‘Hello, what are you doing here girl, you don’t belong to the circus.’
‘Circus, what circus?’
‘You can’t have missed our big top!’
‘I was looking for the park and I found myself here.’
The girl put her finger to her lip and beckoned Florella to follow. Sure enough, beyond the trees and caravans was an enormous tent. The girl led Florella to a small flap.
‘We’re not allowed in, they’re practising, one tiny peep.’
Florella looked at the jumble of people inside doing acrobatics, rolling over barrels and swinging on ropes. She was entranced, but felt a tight grip on her arm and found herself being dragged away. Her disappointment was brief as she found herself propelled into the girl’s caravan.
‘What’s your name girl and what were you up to sneaking round?’
‘Ella and I’ve run away.’
‘Oh so have me and my Dad, maybe you could join the circus, we’re leaving in three days, on the road again. Will you be my friend, I never have a chance to make friends as we have to keep moving, but it’s a good way to make sure no one finds us.’
‘What is your name and how old are you?’
‘I’m Magdalena, nine years old.’
Magdalena’s life sounded far more exciting than Florella’s, even the other girl’s name was exotic.
‘Same age as me. Actually my full name is Florella because I was adopted after they found me in a flower meadow,’
Florella did not usually tell lies, but then she didn’t usually run away to join a circus. The caravan was full of colourful costumes and all sorts of strange objects, hoops, skittles, trumpets…
‘Do you perform in the circus?’
‘Not yet, I have to learn, Dad’s going to teach me.’
Magdalena started showing Florella all the things that were called props and told her about clowns and girls standing three people high in a pyramid. Florella felt in a dream until voices shouting broke the spell.
‘Ella, Ella are you here, Florella are you here, your mother’s looking for you.’
Florella felt sick, who was looking for her, how had they found her? She stood up in panic, but Magdalena pushed her back down on a pile of costumes and pulled the door shut.
‘Shsh…they must not find us.’
No sooner had she spoken than the door was wrenched open and a man burst in. He had the angriest expression she had ever seen on a grown up’s face as he turned from Florella to Magdalena.
‘What the hell is going on Mags?’
‘Dad, it’s okay, she’s my friend.’
‘What have I told you about strangers, now she’s got the police onto us.’
Florella was really scared now, she hadn’t called the police and why was he so worried. The last she saw of her new friend was her being hauled out of the caravan by a pair of big tattooed arms. Trembling she peered out the door, but Magdalena and her father seemed to have vanished into thin air.
The voices were getting louder, men’s and women’s voices.
‘Florella Fenton are you okay, Ella call out if you’re here. No one’s cross with you. Over here Sarge, caravan.’
Ella tried to shut herself behind the caravan door, but a large hand grabbed it.
‘It’s okay, what’s your name?’
Florella thought she probably should not lie to a policeman, nor did she want to get her new friend in trouble, she must think quickly.
‘Oh that’s a nice dog.’
‘He’s a clever dog, he found you quickly.’
‘I was not lost, I just came to have a look at the circus.’
‘That’s okay then, but you must tell me your name.’
‘Ella… Florella Fenton.’
‘Good girl, now did you meet anyone from the circus?’
‘No, NO.. I’m sorry I looked in someone’s caravan, will they be cross?’
‘Don’t worry, I’ll explain. Your mother will be here in a moment.’
Florella dared to look up and saw a group of annoyed looking people in strange costumes, they obviously were cross. A woman with bright red lipstick and a strange hairstyle stepped forward.
‘We don’t want trouble, we never seen her before, what’s she saying?’
‘Ella, have you met any of these people?’
Florella felt she had a brief chance before her mother arrived and no doubt she would be cross and spoil everything.
‘No, I’m sorry I trespassed, but can I join your circus?’
‘Do you think you might be a bit young to leave home, it’s not an easy life and you would have to help put up the tent.’
Ella got the impression the other circus people were laughing at her and so were the police officers now gathered. Red lipstick woman came closer and stood in front of the policeman.
‘Free tickets for the girl and her family and your officers and you leave us in peace; every year we come and never had trouble.’
Florella thought it might be a good idea to see a circus in action before joining it and as she saw her mother approaching and tried to interpret the expression on her mother’s face, she hoped the free tickets would placate her.
Catch up with what is happening where you are or aren’t…
Which of these will steal your lunch?
Is this the smallest waiting room in the country?
New report on the dark side of toy rabbit life.
DIY ideas
Increasing numbers of home owners are putting their houses in light bulbs.
Enjoy a sunny trip to the seaside
But make sure you obey all the rules
A support group has been started for readers who never manage to complete the weekend puzzles in their favourite newspaper.The founder of the group said ‘People don’t realise what a devastating effect this is having on lives.‘
Where do you like to shop? Why not visit the popular Vintage Quarter?
Or follow Doctor Who to his favourite shopping location.
How has your week been? Have you been anywhere interesting?
‘Have you found a job yet Joel? You’re not going to lounge around this house till university starts.’
‘Nothing wrong with winding down and actually I am going for a job interview this afternoon down at the sea front.’
‘Good… lifesaver, beach warden or are you going to serve at that new Sandbourne Seafront Diner?’
‘Nope, going on the big wheel.’
‘But you hate heights!’
‘I don’t have to go on it, just sit in the box taking the money.’
‘Was that the best job you could find?’
‘Yup.’
Joel was successful at the job interview, especially as no one else had applied and he was enjoying his first day. He soon discovered he had a good way with the customers, or passengers as they were supposed to call them. Kev was impressed with the steady flow of people lining up to be inserted safely by him into the Flying Pods. Joel had a reassuring manner.
You tell your Gran there’s nothing to be scared of, all the grannies go up and love the view out to sea.
No, your Dad was kidding when he said you have to climb up that high ladder to get on. You just have to wait for an empty pod to come round to the platform.
Of course it is safe, did you ever hear of a big wheel toppling over?
I assure you it never gets stuck, it’s never come to a halt all the time I’ve been working here.
The morning went quickly, but then Joel noticed his orderly queue had come to a halt and a small crowd was gathering and looking up. At that moment Kev came rushing to Joel’s box.
‘Don’t sell any more tickets just now, bit of a hold up.’
‘All the pods full?’
‘Yes unfortunately, the wheel’s stuck.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Stuck as in won’t go round.’
Joel thought of the nervous aunties and scared little kids he had urged on board, knowing he would never go in a pod himself.
‘So what happens next?’
‘Axel sorts it out.’
‘Where is he then?’
‘Away on a safety course in Wales.’
‘Do you know what to do?’
‘No, I only do the buttons on the ground, I’m not allowed up the ladder as I get vertigo.’
Joel thought of his science A levels and the mechanical engineering course awaiting him at Cambridge University, somehow that did not seem as if it would help this situation.
‘So we call the fire brigade then.’
‘NO… boss would kill us, we don’t want to lose our licence.’
‘Where is the boss?’
‘Goodness knows, I think he was on a bender last night. Anyway, I think I remember what Axel does, he takes a heavy spanner to the top of the wheel, it’s always at the top that a pod gets jammed. Axel is very set on safety, so you must clip the safety harness on to each rung as you go up.’
‘I can’t go up!’
‘Well there’s no one else.’
‘I thought Joel would have been home by now… what did you say John… local news… hang on I’m coming… Oh goodness, Coastguard helicopter hovering over the wheel and all those fire engines and it looks like someone’s stuck on the outside. Good thing our Joel only works in the ticket box. He’ll be sorry to have missed all that excitement if he was already on his way home.’
Live coverage from my house, all you need to know about the general election.
Who were the other candidates? How boring would elections be if we didn’t have those from minority parties willing to stand… Nick the Incredible Flying Brick, The Official Monster Raving Loony Party, 162 votes and the other strong contender Bobby “Elmo” Smith, Independent, 19 votes.
Other candidates had fun along the campaign trail…
But a more traditionally dressed chap is going to be the new Prime Minister.
Elections are strange things. The only certainty being that new governments rarely keep all their election promises. Hopefully a good outcome, but there were people who got in that we certainly don’t want and some MPS who did not deserve to lose their seats, let down by others in their party. If results were analysed how would you measure success if you were elected?. How many people actually turned up to vote and how many voted for you in desperation to keep someone else out?
Our polling stations have just closed and a long night lies ahead for some. At my polling station the chap checking our photo ID greeted me theatrically with ‘Welcome to the brightest spot in BCP ( the very unoriginal name of our combined councils ). A dull church hall! Then he said ‘Do you like quizzes.‘ Yes I do. ‘Just one question, what is your name?‘ Luckily I passed.
Out and about all day, passing polling stations that weren’t mine, I did see a steady trickle of people heading to vote. On the news they are not allowed to mention politics so instead they kept showing pictures of dogs tied up outside polling stations. Someone on Facebook complained that dogs were not allowed in. One of my earliest memories is of standing outside a polling station in the dark with a tall policeman, the traditional Bobby with a helmet, while my parents went inside. My daughter took her boys with her to vote at 7am and they were allowed in, though probably not allowed to draw pictures on the ballot paper.
Coverage of the count has started on television, how to fill in the long hours waiting for the first count to come in? Lots of intense discussion about what happened last time and what may or may not happen this time. Excitement builds as we start seeing candidates on the stage setting their faces for the right expression when the numbers of votes are read out… Count Binface, Sensible Party 6023 votes, Janet Gogerty, Tidalscribe party 23 votes…
Will you be staying up to follow the results?
If you don’t live in the United Kingdom are you interested?
Sundown seemed to come early, but it turned out I was actually dead, which came as a bit of a surprise. It was a pretty sky, but not as dramatic as one might expect for one’s last sunset.
The sky faded away imperceptibly and I was left standing, standing where? A station concourse with many other figures standing around looking confused. Nobody spoke and we all avoided looking at each other, so we were left staring at the multitude of signs, like the London Underground only more confusing. Which direction to choose? I naturally edged towards those in English, or rather those that included English amongst other languages.
CHRISTIAN
So we/they were right all along? No hang on Muslim, Hindu, Atheists… they were in for a surprise… Jews, Agnostics, Jainism…
I decided Christian might be the logical choice, but as I stepped forward three more signs came up… Catholic, Orthodox, Protestant… surely earthly divisions didn’t continue in the higher realms? I decided it would have to be Protestant and when Church of England and nonconformist signs lit up, C of E seemed the sensible choice, though I should really have gone with agnostic.
A guide floated into view and called Christine Brown. I nodded, I couldn’t seem to find my voice.
‘Year of birth? We have several Christine Browns.’
That was hopeful, perhaps there had been a mistake and I was not dead yet, after all I was in good health.
‘1963‘
‘No, you’re not on the list.’
‘Phew, I knew there must have been a mistake, you mean I’m not dead?’
‘No you are dead, just not allocated here.’
‘But I was Christened, named after the Good Lord himself and I’m English, it’s our established faith, you have to let me in.’
‘That’s as maybe, but it’s not a faith you adhere to.’
‘But I went to Sunday School, I was in Pathfinders and I’m always at the church, well I meet my friends in the Refectory Tearooms.’
‘But you don’t actually enter the church.’
‘I was at the free lunchtime organ concert only last week.’
‘The last time you attended a service of worship was at your cousin’s wedding thirty years ago.’
‘And that was the last time she set foot in a church!’
I laughed at my own joke, but the higher being did not have a sense of humour.
‘Even then your mind was not on God, during the prayers you were more interested in what everyone was wearing.’
I suddenly felt chilled to my core, this wasn’t a dream, this was real, how did this being know so much about me? Perhaps I should have been more humble.
‘Please forgive me, I did not mean to be rude, it’s just a shock, being dead. Could you please tell me where I should go.’
‘I cannot tell you, that is for you to decide, you have had sixty one years to think about your soul. Everyone here sees only what they understand.’
‘But I don’t und…’
I was alone, he had faded away and as I spun round in confusion I saw more signs. GAIA, thank goodness, that was where I belonged.
‘Welcome,’ said a gentle voice ‘have you got your visa?’
‘I am pretty sure I belong here, I am environmentally friendly, I watch David Attenborough, I’ve rewilded my garden and built an insect hotel and a hedgehog door. I do feel closer to God in the garden.’
‘What about the bees and flies that die every day shut in your hot conservatory?’
‘I try to catch them, I can’t stop them coming in… and I never kill spiders or even ants… I’m not sure what more I could have done.’
I felt a wave of warmth.
‘Don’t worry my dear, you have just done the best thing ever for wild life on earth.’
‘Oh, thank goodness, what did I do?’
‘You died.’
‘Little me gone can’t make much difference…’
‘No, but we have just cleared sector 5321 of all humans so those creatures you profess to cherish will thrive.’
Times and Tides of a Beachwriter 