autobiography

Tuesday Tiny Tale – Q

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Quentin Quick was looking forward to the meeting of the Puddleminster Pens. Working their way through the alphabet they had reached the letter Q, his nickname. At his suggestion they did not pick a single word for this week, but searched for as many words beginning with Q as possible. Quentin had an ulterior motive, he was addicted to playing Words With Friends on his phone and Q was worth ten points, but hard to place. The group had discussed whether any English word could feature Q without a U. Words With Friends accepted QI, but Puddleminster Pens did not.

Quentin actually had a love hate relationship with Q as he could not escape it. As the fifth to be born and the only boy in a set of quins, life was always going to be challenging. His mother quipped that only sextuplets got serious publicity and quillions of quids. His querulous father Mr Quincy Quick queried if the quins were even his; after all, no quins had ever been born on his side of the family.

As they all grew, his hopes of having an amazing family, like that lot on television, were quashed. His favourite quote was ‘We landed quantity over quality.’ The junior Quicks were unlikely to turn into a musical quintet or quest for fame of any sort. Rather than musical harmony or team sport the quins would constantly quibble.

As Quentin scribbled, wondering if his piece would be an autobiography, he was in a quandary. Should it be entertaining or an honest account of their lives… Five Alive, what was that film called with the robot called Number Five? His parents had splashed out on a rare trip to the cinema and bought them popcorn, well one large tub to share… His mind was wandering, but he could not resist looking it up. Short Circuit, that led to his sisters and friends calling him Number Five for a good while and asking him if he had been struck by lightning.

The family had attracted quite a bit of attention in the cinema foyer. Looking back, he realised his mother’s obsession with the Sound of Music had not only led to her praying for a large family, but had influenced her dressmaking. She was an excellent seamstress and without her skills it would have been a hardship buying all their clothes, but it was an understatement to say the children all looked rather quaint. She did try to make their only son look different from his sisters, but young Quentin begged to also have a frilly dress. Mrs Quick had to warn her husband to be politically correct and let Quentin be himself.

‘I have one son and he turns out to be q…’

‘Quincy… try to be more sensitive, what if he grows up artistic and writes a tv series about us?’

But Quincy found it hard dealing with five adolescents. Queenie did her brother’s make up for him, while Quintessa announced she was trying out for the junior women’s football team and Quilla was the only one who took school work seriously as she wanted to do quantum physics.

Quentin sighed. Quilla was now well known in scientific fields, but the rest of the family had remained unknown and poor. Quentin still liked dressing up, but did not have the personality or bone structure to become a class drag act. So the only thing left to do was try and write a book. Hence his joining the Puddleminster Pens.

Thursday arrived and the group seemed to enjoy his ramblings and tentative scribbles, encouraging him to keep writing, get it all down on paper, then polish it. Only Captain Pedantic, as they called him, had a quibble.

‘There is no such word, no such number as Quillions.’

Monday Musing – June

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It’s a busy time of year for gardeners and writing falls by the wayside. Torrential rain and thunderstorms should have given me more time with my quill, but I have been to an author coffee morning and been roped in to a quiz and that was just Saturday. We came fourth and I answered at least one question – ‘Gone With The Wind’ – what was the question? An interesting round was ‘Cheese or motorway services?’ which proved surprisingly difficult. At least the rain has filled my water butts and the wildflower wheelbarrow is flourishing.

Oil painting

If only ChatGPT could come and improve our real gardens, not just the photos.

Water colour

The world cup is happening right now. If you don’t know what they are playing, answer at the end. Having a big garden tidy up I found this mini Scotland player and that night they won their first match, so now he is my mascot. I’m the only person in my family with no known Scottish blood. When I consulted them for a name for the wee one Cyberson 2 suggested Red Jock McPlastic. Scotland play again on Friday night. Cyberson 1 has the shirt.

Today it was announced our government intend to ban social media for under sixteens. Which made made me wonder how over sixties would feel if we were banned. I’m not even sure I understand what constitutes social media and what does not. I would certainly be upset if we were not allowed to use WordPress. Lots of us have little addictions like Words With Friends – above is a typical score for me, but it’s still fun. Also useful as you can check if other friends living alone are fine – if they play back first thing in the morning you know they are still alive.

This scene may look peaceful, but any moment now a herd of schoolteens and bicycles are going to appear over the horizon as school finishes. Eavesdropping as I was walking home I heard one boy say ‘But What are we going to Watch?!‘ another said ‘I bet under sixteens are going to march on parliament on Saturday.’

The answers are The first colour film to win an Oscar and Football.

What’s happening your way this week?

Sunday Surprises…

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I have not been tested yet, but I am having to come to terms with the fact that I may be neurotypical. I had not even heard the term before a speaker at a writers’ festival apologised for being one hundred percent neurotypical. Hopefully I’m not at the top of the range. Nobody in my family is neurotypical so I do not understand why this has happened to me. Perhaps it explains why the world around me seems to be descending into madness. At least I could now have a career as a stand up comedian, their routines always come round to revealing they have been diagnosed with some kind of syndrome.

So now with your help I must try and make sense of what is happening in other people’s lives.

If you were the First Minister of Scotland and leader of the Scottish National Party and your husband was arrested for embezzlement from the party you both served, would you have been totally shocked with no idea anything was wrong? Huge amounts of money that came from loyal supporters who wanted an independent Scotland. Not billions, but well over £400, 000 is a lot to disappear without  ANYBODY noticing.

What Peter Murrell bought is what has been most entertaining for the public and a welcome break from darker news. Everything from up market coffee machines to a camper van.

Now I can understand Nicola Sturgeon’s claims that two adults with good salaries would have separate bank accounts and be independent and as a busy career woman she could expect her husband to run the house and the domestic budget. Those of us who had one joint account and a very tight budget can still imagine the scenario.  But the camper van? What wife would not expect that to be a joint purchase with fun discussions about future holidays? What mother would not be surprised to wake up and find a camper van in her driveway? Did Murrell mention it to his mother? Picture the scene with the neighbours…

‘Och how lovely dearie, is your wee Petie goin to take you on a trip up to the highlands?’

Or perhaps other neighbours would not be so happy for her.

‘Hey Hen, whit the **** is that monster vehicle doing blocking the sunlight from oor hoose?’

Perhaps the whole nation should be grateful he was arrested before he made more bizarre purchases.

South American drug lord Pablo Escobar made the original unwise purchase of four hippos for his private estate in the 1980s, making Columbia the only country outside the African continent with a wild hippo population.

Now the two hundred splendid beasts face a cull, but Indian magnate Anant Ambani has offered to rescue eighty of the two hundred and rehome them in his rescue centre. Imagine if Murrell had offered to rescue the remainder?

Have you ever made a mad purchase you regretted? I won’t ask if you have ever been tempted to embezzle…

Tuesday Trail – Down the Road.

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This is a genuine walk, get off the bus, down towards the sea, turn right and walk all the way down the road. On the way can you spot one of the venues for the Bournemouth Writing Festival and the burial place of Mary Shelley? I did have fun photographing everything I saw.

Here is my bus on the worst road surface ever, a real bone shaker stretch.

You may need a drink after that walk.

Read about the writing festival in my next blog.

Did you enjoy your walk?

Weird Wednesday – Mind Boggling

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Do you find new technology mind boggling? By new I mean anything that you did not personally know about this time last week. Do you find recent innovations mind boggling? By recent I mean anything that has happened since you left school.

You obviously think you know about technology otherwise you would not be reading this on a device of some sort, but do you know how it actually works? If you do, please let the rest of us know. For most of us the mysterious workings are akin to alchemy or the dark arts. Chips are involved and are made of silicone, rather than potatoes and silicone is made from sand. There is plenty of sand on the beach, but what happens next?

On line workings are supposedly run by AI, or computers as we used to call them, but how come these logical beings have a very human urge to deliberately annoy us?

I can do all sorts of things on line, but Arty Imp lulls me into a false sense of security and confidence. Browsing wallpaper on B&Q’s site on my desk top ( I like to see everything on a large screen ) it offered to send samples for a small remuneration. I put several into the shopping basket, already I could picture how my attic office might look. I put in my order as a guest, it wouldn’t let me, it seemed I had joined B&Q Club when I bought one garden chair on line. I looked up my little notebook and typed in my email and the password I had presumably used last time. It did not recognise it. No problem, just pretend I had forgotten it. Nothing would enable me to get a password they approved of, links were sent to my email, texted to me… I gave up, it would be easier to take two buses to my nearest B&Q where I would not see the wallpapers I liked, because they had already told me they were only available on line… Anyway, not as if it was important… but thinking outside the box later I decided to pretend I was a new customer and use my other email address, Not join the club, say No to being on the emailing list. I did not want any sort of relationship, just the wallpaper samples. My purchase went straight through with reassuring emails and they soon arrived in the post. Of course, obviously if I choose one I like they will not actually let me buy a whole roll…

To check how Tech Savy you are take this simple test.

You want to send money to your nephew for his birthday. Do you

  1. Use face recognition or finger print to do a bank transfer on your phone
  2. Get on the bus and go to the nearest town that still has a branch of your bank open and talk to a human behind the desk.

It’s your sister’s birthday today, do you

  1. WhatsApp her to arrange a time to Facetime
  2. Ring her on your landline.

You have not heard from your elderly aunt for a few days, do you

  1. Play a round of Words With Friends on your phone and see if she plays back.
  2. Call her house phone from your house phone which is firmly tethered by a wire.

You need a relaxing evening after dealing with technology all day, do you

  1. Stream a box set of a new drama and stay up all night binge watching
  2. Look in the newspaper or Radio Times to see what’s on BBC before the ten o’clock news.

If you answered A to all the questions welcome to the first quarter of the 21st century, but beware what you will face in this next quarter.

If you answered B every time you just might be able to cope if all the electricity is switched off, perhaps…

But how is the present matching up to the future predicted in the 20th century? We are not sitting at a phone table with a curly wire attaching our phone to the wall and a little TV screen showing a live picture of our relatives on the other side of the world.

The first ‘mobile phones’ most of us saw were on Star Trek, some of us watching in black and white. Their hand held flip up devices could Teleport them down to a strange planet, but they could not take photos, text their friends, watch videos or Facetime with friends on the other side of the universe. It may have slowed the plot if they had to play back on Quiz Planet before stepping on to their platform.

On arrival on the new planet they stop to take a selfie together in front of a strange volcano so they can put it on Instagram. Then Captain Kirk pauses to take a picture of the Aliens who have crept up without them noticing. He wants to WhatsApp a picture to his mother billions of light years away.

Meanwhile a junior officer has not noticed the aliens as he is bending down to snap strange plants using the plant recognition App.

His colleague is glued to the screen exclaiming ‘210 points for OXO, how did he do that and I’ve got all vowels’.

Captain Kirk is now on Google maps, having failed to understand what the Aliens are saying, their language is not coming up on his translation App.

The weather App was not much use either as it failed to predict the electric storm and downpour of acid rain. It seems like a good time to beam up, but their phones need recharging…

Did you score A or B or perhaps AB? What is your favourite 21st Century invention?

Closing Down

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We are all used to seeing Closing Down Sales, perhaps going along and feeling like vultures, the short term thrill of grabbing a bargain, followed by the realisation your favourite shop is gone for good.

The closing down of well known and loved store chains has become a feature of this century, hastened by economic downturns, pandemics and the connected rise in the popularity of on line shopping.

My first simple shopping experience was the corner shop a short distance from our flat, the top half of a Victorian terrace on a main road. It was run by two ‘old ladies’, one of whom was called Dolly. I thought it a very strange name for an adult human, but assumed Dolly Mixtures, the only sweets I was allowed, were named after her. At some stage in my first six years of life I was seen across the road by Mum to trot up to the shop by myself. I knew the road was dangerous as a neighbour used to warn me; delighting in telling the story of a boy who ran out of his house and got run over.

When we moved to a new house in Farnborough, Hampshire shopping changed radically. No shops nearby, but there was a butcher’s boy who came on his bike, a box of groceries the milkman delivered and a greengrocer’s van. We were amused by the greengrocer’s strong Hampshire accent and used to do imitations – Oi’ve gut som noice roipe tomaters. This was a time of opening up, not closing down and in time a shopping centre appeared with new ‘supermarkets’ like Finefare and more importantly to me, a Woolworths. As well as toys you could buy anything. On each of their birthdays I would buy Dad a bag of nails, if I asked him what he wanted he always said a bag of nails as he loved woodwork. Mum would get a new makeup bag, probably the previous year’s cheap bag had worm out by then and some bath cubes. It seemed you could buy anything there from sweets to Ladybird children’s clothes.

When we emigrated to Perth, Western Australia when I was eleven, to another new house on another new estate, shopping changed again. The only nearby shop, up a sandy track that was the unmade stretch of our road, was the Greek corner shop. All the corner shops were run by hardworking Greeks and Italians.

On Saturday the main shops in towns closed at noon, so Mum and Dad left me in charge of my brother and sister and dashed to Victoria Park to do a Big Shop, the first time this expression was used in our family.

After a while, with new houses and families arriving, Tom The Cheap Grocer appeared up the road and evolved into a little shopping centre and we encountered our first delicatessen. 

When I returned to England for my six month working holiday, that I’m still on, Woolworths was still going strong in every town. I thought they would be here forever. When we were married and bought our first place, having to sell the car to afford the mortgage, our nearby town was so dull it did not even make it into the ‘Book of One Hundred Crap Towns’, but it did have a Woolworths, whatever else closed Woolworths remained. There was also a Big Sainsbury. After dropping my son at school and my daughter at playgroup I would sprint with the baby in the pram and dash round grabbing the many items that were cheaper than the little local shop.

Then a big shopping centre was built on the other side of town and we heard that our Sainsburys was closing down. I could not believe they could do that to a loyal customer like me. It was to be replaced by Wilkinsons, never heard of them, coming down from the north. I said I certainly would not be shopping there. I was reminded of my words often as I became a keen shopper in Wilkos, where you could get everything, gardening to gadgets, cleaning to cushions…

When we came to Bournemouth in 2004 sure enough there was a Wilkinsons in Bournemouth town centre and in Boscombe, which also had a TJ Hughes, already well known to us from holiday breaks. You could buy anything from shoes to suitcases and like Wilkinsons it was a godsend for students needing cheap crockery and bedding.

In Bournemouth Square there was a Borders with a basement full of CDs and of course a floor full of books. Open till ten pm, very cosmopolitan. We had three department stores and a BHS and Marks and Spencer.

I won’t bore you with the order in which all these shops disappeared, some chains collapsing completely, others with branches surviving elsewhere. Woolworths was the biggest shock, we had a branch in Southbourne Grove.

When I started having appointments at Poole hospital, one hour’s bus ride away, I realised they had better shops, not to mention a proper shopping centre with nice toilets. I don’t actually like shopping as an activity, but after covid lockdown it was an exciting novelty to go shopping again.

Poole still had a Beales department store, a Wilko and a Marks and Spencer. No sooner had I discovered that Marks and Spencer sold post-surgery bras than they announced they were closing their Poole branch. Beales and Wilko followed.

Sometimes shops stay empty, sometimes the fun returns. Wilko reopened in Poole under new ownership? Debenhams in Bournemouth Square reopened as Bobby’s, which apparently is what the original store was called before Debenhams took over. Not as a department store in the traditional sense, it is an ongoing ‘reimagining of the concept’. That means you can’t buy clothes, bedding or curtains there, but it has had an art gallery, now a work space, had a pet boutique, now a Makers’ Market… and now a restaurant on the top floor.

Borders became a Tesco, New Look became a restaurant. Primark is still there and some shoe shops, but if you need to have a good look round for clothes you are out of luck. However, you can buy clothes for Teddy. Build-a-Bear is still going strong.

Meanwhile back in Southbourne Grove… Woolworths stores all closed in 2009. Our Woolworths miraculously turned into The Ludo Lounge, with its fun décor, old wooden furniture and games and books it looked like it had always been there. A café bar that appealed to everyone. On the roof garden you can still see the old Woolworths sign. We thought it was unique, but actually the lounge chain started in 2002 and there are now 250 lounges and you can get a lounge passport. Lounge fans enjoy visiting other branches. In Christchurch a large hardware shop became the Arcado Lounge.

Have you lost a favourite shop, or lost your job when a shop closed?

Silly Sunday – November Nothings

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Random ponderings on First World Problems and out of world experiences.

Miserable November afternoon

Happy November morning, welcomed by a Robin singing his heart out.

It has been a discombobulating month so far. WordPress would not let me download new photographs; how could I go on any walks if I couldn’t use my photos! The naughty elf who runs WordPress seemed to be suggesting my gallery was too full. I deleted lots of pictures to no avail and causing havoc to my posts and pages.  To be fair to WordPress this was on my desk top computer which is still on Windows 10, now no longer supported, whatever that means. Cyberson2 had suggested I didn’t need to worry or at least there was no point in doing anything, as my old computer would not cope with Windows 11. He had downloaded extra protection when they were visiting recently… And hey ho, I have heard scary things about Windows 11…   So I created a test blog on my iPad and whoopee, pictures were accepted, so now I download pictures to the gallery then do my blog on the computer where my word documents are…

Anyway, back to real life. One of our local towns is in lockdown or gridlock… there are always road works somewhere, but this is work on the bypass that does not bypass the town, but ends at the roundabout. Only one side at a time is being closed over the next three weeks, but apparently locals could not drive or catch a bus with any hope of getting there. No problem for me, I don’t drive, don’t live in the town and I walk there.  But it turns out walking across the river to your writers’ group or coffee morning is not much good if nobody else is there. Like any group we arrive from all directions to a central point.

Meanwhile, no such problem in Southbourne for our monthly book club, only one person absent. The only problem being half of us had not read the book and only one person loved it, nobody else liked it! After the previous month’s enjoyable hardback in good print size, we were faced with a thick paperback in small print. This is a famous novel many people have loved over the years. Find out what it was at the end of this blog. With two lots of visitors staying and blogs to write, I started reading, but decided I must abandon it. I met one of the other members out and about and was relieved to hear she had not read it either.

It is looking like autumn, but too mild. I have just given my so called lawn its third final mow of the year. Talking of global warming, we seem to have heard too little about Prince William’s Earthshot prize and ten year project. While world leaders preside over wars and destruction, clever people are working and innovating to look after the planet.

And talking of the planet…

Years ago my husband came back indoors one night and said he had just watched the space station fly over Ken’s garage. He had asked another neighbour why he was staring above Ken’s garage. We hadn’t known we could go on line and track its many differing orbits. After that we were obsessed for the period it was passing over Southbourne, or Dorset or England…

The International Space Station, that shining beacon of humanity, science and international cooperation is coming up to retirement or abandonment. My scientific knowledge usually comes from tuning in to the middle of intelligent radio programmes, so it may or may not be true that a space station does not stay in orbit of its own accord and is reliant on the occasional blast of propulsion, worked by the Russians. To bring it down safely to some remote Mexican desert is not guaranteed, dependent as it is on international cooperation. Russia’s MIR was successfully brought down in the desert, but Skylab was scattered over Western Australia in 1979. To have a piece of ISS come down in my road would be blogworthy, but possibly more inconvenient than work on the bypass.

Possible scenario of bits of ISS falling on Bournemouth seafront.

The novel was Catch 22 and the person who loved it also loved my novella Pandemonica and gave it a five star review on Goodreads, so she is obviously a good judge of books...

Have you read Catch 22… or Pandemonica?

Have you spotted the space station or perhaps even been to the space station?

Train Trip Tips

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ONE   Buy a cardboard ticket at the ticket office, preferably in advance. There was an outcry when it was suggested money could be saved by closing all the ticket offices. Few passengers understand the complexity and pricing of tickets, so it is easier to just tell a human being where and when you want to go. At Bournemouth mainline station they are used to holiday makers, overseas students, seniors and perhaps other passengers who would try the patience of a saint. I always find a friendly face to suggest the best route and give handy tips, such as your sister from Australia can have a senior rail card as well.

TWO   Get a rail card if you are eligible, there are all sorts, from students to senior, you pay for them, but soon make a saving with a few journeys.

THREE   Travel to and from a mainline station if you can. Trains are more frequent and you may catch a faster train that does not stop everywhere. There is also a better chance of getting to your destination or back home. When our train from Waterloo was abruptly terminated at Southampton we were pondering what problem had arisen, when it was announced that the next train was for Bournemouth only. Pity the poor passengers who were heading for tiny stations in the New Forest. When I was going from Margate to Victoria we were late leaving, then somewhere along the line it was decided time could be made up by not stopping at most of the stations! Unless you were going to Bromley or Victoria you had to get off at the next station and wait for a slow train.

Apart from the above, there is also the travel experience to consider. My nearest station is dire with MPs, councillors and locals always fighting for improvements. There is a long flight of stairs, fine for keeping fit, but not with buggies and luggage. No lift, no café, no toilets, mostly no staff and a record of suicides – the visiting pastoral care team will tell you to stay away from the edge of the platform. Meanwhile at Bournemouth there can be delays or problems, but plenty of staff to ask; even if they don’t know what’s going on either you can have a friendly chat. There is also passenger assistance to get on and off the trains. For the writer or photographer there is always plenty of Life going on and passengers even weirder than yourself.

FOUR   Now you have arrived on the day of your journey you will see why it’s good to buy a cardboard ticket in advance. People are waving their phones around trying to get a signal for the ticket on their phone so they can get through the barrier. Others are causing a queue at the ticket office because their phone has run out of power and they can’t get at their ticket and their train is going in three minutes.

FIVE   Ask for help from a human. Even following my advice there can be problems. One time my ticket went in the machine, came out, but the barrier did not open. Staff let me through, but the ticket was for two train rides and the Underground, what if it didn’t work on The Tube? It didn’t, but there were staff at the barriers, cheerful staff who said that was always happening. If you are battling with luggage or a rucksack larger than yourself, they will let you through the gate.

SIX   If you are going on the London Underground check the map and the signs telling you which direction for your station. Don’t go the wrong way round on the Circle Line or north on the Northern Line when you are meant to be going south. If you notice you are going past the wrong stations, get off at the next station, looking like a cool regular alighting at your intended station. We did this on the Metro in Paris and did manage to end up in the right place… Do not panic, just make your way to the right direction platform.

SEVEN   Don’t lose your ticket. Keep your ticket and your phone in a money belt, under several layers of clothing if you are neurotic, but easily accessible so you don’t look like a nervous traveller.

EIGHT   Don’t do everything I tell you. You might well get all sorts of bargains in advance on line by booking yourself on specific trains or discovering it is cheaper to buy three tickets for one journey staying on the same train.

What are your handy tips for train travel?

Silly Sunday -Just Chatting

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Visitors coming and going Chez Tidalscribe, but here’s something to think about while I’m busy…

While I was away I was idling away a few minutes on my phone and was surprised to get on ChatGPT. I had no intention of asking it to write my novel for me, but I would just see if it would make a picture of flowers and bees, perhaps a picture of a woman enjoying gardening ( age inserted ) – doesn’t look like me.

How about a beach hut, me at my beach hut, ask for purple hair and round down my age...

She looks fun, but it’s not me.

I’ll ask Chatterbox how to use my own photos… oil painting that looks better than my real garden.

Now my nineties friend wants a painting of her garden and thinks I’m very clever… I tell her AI is the clever one.

This is fun, could be addictive…. I have so many photos I could transform into art.

Or I could become an avatar. This really is addictive, I could turn all my family into Avatars, all my local scenes into an art gallery…

BUT of course this is dream land and it comes with guilt. We’re all using electricity and The Cloud is not really fluffy white and Artificial Intelligence uses a lot more power and water for cooling… Not to mention the ethics of presenting ChatGPT’s words as your own. Chatting to real people, it seems people are using ChatGPT for all sorts of useful things; asking it questions instead of Googling information, writing reports…

The above is all I have done on ChatGPT, using my own photos, except the one of me…

A real drawing by a human boy, Alex.

Have you used ChatGPT, if so how? Is it any different from all the other tools we use on line to create our blogs etc?