Doctors are warning of a health crisis amongst teddy bears. ‘Too many teddies sit around all day being cuddly and are not getting enough exercise.’ Bobby’s Gym is offering cheap membership for the Texercise programme and bears are welcome to bring their therapy humans along.
An artist has come up with an innovative scheme to help dogs who are unable to read street signs and numbers. He will paint a picture of your dog on your house so your faithful companion will know where he lives.
Scientists have identified the two greatest dangers in the home.
A local writer was thrilled with an unexpected win this week. She wishes to remain anonymous, but was quoted as saying she needs time to think about what she should do with her win.
A local council has come up with an idea to shorten the waiting times for magistrates court. Only the most serious offenders will be summoned to appear in court, while others will be put in the stocks.
And on a sunnier note there is a chance for beach lovers to snap up a bargain.
‘Phillip, come in here quick, your mother’s on the television.’
‘A police spokesman said if it were not for the quick thinking of grandmother Abigail Morgan the incident could have become a tragedy.’
‘I just happened to glance out of my kitchen window last night before I went to watch the news and I noticed an altercation across the road. When I saw a man take a pair of ballet shoes and then a huge hammer from the boot of his car, I knew I must call the police.’
‘Were you worried they would arrive too late?’
‘I wasn’t sure if they would arrive at all, so I rushed outside.’
‘I don’t believe it, I knew we shouldn’t have let Mother live there.’
‘Phillip, it wasn’t up to you, she’s quite capable of making her own decisions, though she must be regretting her choice now.’
‘She had better stay with us until we can get that place sold. I’ll ring Oakdene and see if that flat is still available.’
‘I’m sure she won’t want to stay with us… oh shoosh , they’re talking to some of her weird neighbours.’
‘There’s always trouble around here since they opened that half way house.’
‘We’ve never had anything like this before, it’s a lovely quiet road, lots of families.’
‘There is a lot of confusion as to what actually happened here last night and why the arrested man was bizarrely waving a pair of ballet shoes in one hand and a sledge hammer in the other. Neighbours have spoken of seeing the white car parked regularly in this road, but nobody could name him. Police reassured locals that this was an isolated incident with no danger to the public. A local dog walker did not see what happened, but knows the Supergran well.’
‘I always walk this way to the park and have a chat with Abigail. I can’t believe she tackled a mad axeman alone.’
‘Ah, a police inspector is about to address the crowd of concerned neighbours.’
‘Police response was prompt last night and officers bravely disarmed a man in his early forties.’
‘They only caught him because that old lady had already squirted pepper spray in his eyes.’
‘Yeah and it’s the first time in twenty years I’ve seen police down this road.’
‘The arrested man is in hospital under police guard with eye injuries believed to be caused by a domestic cleaning product. He is not known to police and does not appear to have any mental health issues. I would ask that members of the public do not speculate on social media about what happened.’
Abigail made yet another cup of tea. After a second formal police interview she was looking forward to a more relaxed chat with a young woman reporter and a cameraman. She had tried to keep her answers to the police confined to the stark facts, but would have loved to be outside with the other neighbours speculating further. Abigail had been awake most of the night, sitting up in bed with her iPad and phone, following and contributing to the local Facebook page and WhatsApp group.
‘I believe you refused medical treatment last night Mrs Morgan?’
‘Of course, nothing wrong with me. Though I feel I’m under arrest, a police woman stayed here all night, don’t know what they thought was going to happen.’
‘You don’t have any family nearby?’
‘Oh yes, my son and daughter-in-law on the other side of town. I moved here to be nearer them.’
‘They must have been concerned about what happened.’
‘I didn’t bother to tell them and everyone here has been very nice.’
‘Would it be too upsetting for you to tell us what happened?’
‘No not at all. I don’t know the couple across the road or the man with the white car. I do know most of the neighbours well. I can’t imagine why he threw a pair of ballet shoes at her, but then it got scary when he approached the husband with that huge hammer.’
‘Then what happened?’
‘I just grabbed a bottle from under the sink, not sure what it was, forensics have taken it away. I saw that on a TV drama once.’
Abigail watched with satisfaction as the camera kept rolling.
‘I must apologise for the awful wallpaper, I haven’t been here long, I want to redecorate this room. I always notice the wallpaper when they interview people in their homes…’
She heard a familiar voice at the front door and hoped the police officer on guard would keep everyone out till her interview was finished.
‘…I’m Phillip Morgan her son, why wasn’t I informed, I found out from the television.’
‘Sorry sir, I believe Mrs Morgan said there were no relatives she needed to contact.’
Phillip walked into the tiny lounge as soon as the cameraman walked out and gave him the all clear.
‘Don’t think you’ll get a word in edgeways.’
‘Oh Phillip, there was no need to come over. This is Felicity Wordsmith, have you seen her on the local news? We’re just having a debriefing, off the record. I’m giving her a few tips so she can do one of those investigative reports. One of the neighbours said on Facebook last night that the wife used to be a ballet dancer, so looks like the boyfriend also was a dancer, a famous couple perhaps until she went off to dance with someone else. You and Sandra go to the ballet, do you think you might have seen them?’
‘Mother, the police have told neighbours not to spec…’
‘Felicity thinks White Car Man is the real husband and came to claim her back from the chap she ran away with.’
‘No, no I was just posing that as a possibility to show we have no grounds to make any suppositions…’
‘All the more reason for us to seek out the truth.’
Abigail scrolled down the screen impatiently, then she spotted it, her dream flat. She wrote down the details in her notebook in case it vanished off the screen, she had heard how properties could be snapped up quickly, on sale one moment, gone the next. But she had no idea how to book a viewing if the estate agent was on line with no office to visit or human to phone. Luckily Phillip would be round soon.
‘Character ground floor apartment in lively area, would suit first time buyer. Hardly the sort of thing you want Mother, I’ve booked viewings for several ideal places, but … there we are booked, viewing tomorrow afternoon after the others. We can always cancel if you find one more suitable.’
‘Certainly not, I have a good feeling about this place.’
‘Okay, but you need to be sure, we don’t want to go through all this again.’
‘You mean this is to be my final home?’
‘No, I mean…’
‘I hope it will be, the alternatives would be far worse.’
Soon after lunch the next day Phillip pulled up outside huge gates.
‘Is this a prison?’
‘No of course not, it’s an up market gated community for the eld… people who want to enjoy their retirement.’
‘Not my idea of enjoyment.’
‘It’s got nice gardens and a fountain…’
‘Drive on.’
He handed her a leaflet about the next destination. A smug, sun tanned, fit, mature couple beamed out at her. Oak Dene, luxury apartments for the young at heart and Acorn Grove for those who need that little bit of extra support. On the estate we have a sports hall and community complex.
‘Hmp, bet that couple wouldn’t dream of setting foot in there and nor would I.’
‘Don’t dismiss it out of hand, lots of company and there’s a bus stop outside to get to our place.’
Abigail looked at her watch. ‘We need to get to my place next, I don’t want another buyer turning up before me.’
Phillip’s frown grew deeper as the Satnav led him down a rundown shopping street then through a maze of small roads.
‘Nearly there… a primary school round the corner, you won’t want to be living in this area.’
‘I love the sound of children in the playground.’
‘But not all the time.’
‘Same town as you and Sandra, isn’t that the plan?’
‘But this is the wrong side of town.’
‘Looks fine to me and lots of interesting little shops.’
‘What on earth would you want with a tattoo parlour and a vape shop?’
When they reached their destination they were both confused.
‘Busy road, can’t see 32B, unless it’s that weird construction that looks like it’s been squeezed in as an afterthought.’
‘Yes, it is, come on, squeeze into that parking space, is that the agent, didn’t look like that when your father and I were house hunting.’
‘Good afternoon, um who is the property for?’
‘Me of course, I hope it’s as good inside as the pictures on your flashy website.’
‘Even better’ the young man flashed a set of white teeth.
‘We have lots of other places to look at’ said Phillip.
The agent ushered them into the tiny hall with a flourish.
‘Kitchen at the front, kitchen sink under the window, you won’t want that Mother.’
‘It’s perfect.’
‘But it’s too small, not even room for a dishwasher.’
‘I won’t need one, I’m not planning on having visitors for dinner.’
The agent smiled. ‘And the guest bedroom is also at the front.’
‘You could not fit a bed in here.’
‘I don’t need to, this is my office, or will be hopefully, how many other buyers have looked?’
‘A lot.’
‘Oh dear, how many offers?’
‘None.’
‘Not surprised’ sniffed Phillip.
‘Now to the main bedroom and lounge which both have French doors out onto the bijou garden.’
‘Oh it’s perfect, south facing as well.’
‘Facing a school by the look and sound of it.’
‘Yes, just a little primary school, but there is a good fence and when that tree is in leaf it will muffle the sound.’
‘Sorry, we won’t waste your time any more, this is totally un..’
‘Perfectly suitable, I’ll be in touch very soon with my offer.’
‘We’ll discuss it and get back to you, come on Mother.’
Back in the car Phillip said ‘Don’t be disappointed, we have plenty more we can look at.’
‘I don’t need to, this is the one.’
‘But that school, balls coming over the fence.’
‘I’ll throw them back again.’
Abigail stood at her kitchen sink looking out at all the toing and froing. Next door was herding her children out the front door, late for school as usual. She had confided to Abigail that the nearer they lived to a school the harder it was to get there on time.
That white car was there again, number 32 told her it was always there when the husband was away. The chap from round the corner waved as he walked by with his dog. She would have quite liked another dog, but not enough room in this little dolls’ house and there was enough entertainment from all the local dogs. Mike across the road was rushing out to recapture his springer spaniel. Perhaps he would have called him something else if he had known how often he would be yelling Bubbles. Whoops, near miss for Bubbles with that teenager on one of those E-scooter things.
Time to get ready for the library coffee morning. Abigail wondered what fascinating characters would turn up today, it was the antidote to that dreary ladies’ club she had belonged to for so long, she had only gone to have a break from Charles after he retired.
That evening Phillip and Sandra popped round for an inspection under the guise of taking her out for dinner. They came bearing plastic boxes of leftovers, or home made ready meals as they preferred to call then, with the excuse they weren’t yet used to cooking smaller amounts since the twins went off to university.
Sandra was peering over the kitchen sink,
‘Oh, there’s a strange man staring in.’
‘That’s Josh, not long out of prison, staying in the halfway house round the corner, nice chap.’
Later that evening Abigail waved goodbye to her son and daughter-in-law with relief. She had enjoyed the meal and people watching, though of course the local Wetherspoon was hardly Phillip and Sandra’s sort of place. No dishes to wash, but she enjoyed looking out of the window before it was time to settle down to watch the news.
Strange, that white car was drawing up and the husband’s car was at home. Now the wife was emerging, carefully closing the front door behind her. Abiail opened the window a little, for fresh air, not to hear what the wife was saying, shouting almost.
‘I told you to stay away, tonight of all nights, just go.’
Oh dear, it looked like he had no intention of going.
The front door flew open and the husband sprang out. He was shouting, but she couldn’t grasp the words. Now the other man was getting something out of the boot of the white car. It looked like, surely not…
Abigail wished she was shut safely in her lounge with the television turned up, oblivious to what was going on. But she wasn’t and there did not seem to be anybody else around. Nobody in the road, no house lights switching on. For the first time in her life Abigail pressed 999 on her phone.
House plant expert Flora Flowerdew, speaking on breakfast television, has revealed her secret to success with the three thousand plants she shares her tiny flat with. Flora, whose home has featured on Gardeners’ World viewers’ gardens, said ‘Plant lovers don’t realise plants indoors without the benefit of rain should be washed every day, though it is important to stress that you must not put them in the dishwasher or washing machine.’
Her new book ‘You Can Never Have Too Many Plants’ has become an overnight success. Flora’s personal life has been in the spotlight in the tabloids, but she reassured viewers that she had not split up with her husband, he just moved to a flat nearby which was more suitable for him to work from home.
Most parents are proud of their children’s artistic achievements, but legal experts have warned of the dangers of boasting on social media after a five year old sued his mother for theft of intellectual property. She showed his Christmas wrapping paper on her blog without his permission.
And in another family story a grandmother got a very big surprise from Amazon. Excited that her grandson was coming to visit on his birthday she asked what present he would like. She was not surprised when he said Lego, nor was she surprised when he said he wanted a Lego mini figure as he collects vintage mini figures. He sent her the link to order it on Amazon and she was surprised at how much one figure cost, but she knew Lego was expensive.
All her neighbours were surprised when an overlength vehicle with a police escort arrived in their little cul de sac. On board was a thirty foot high Lego figure. The grandmother, who wishes to remain anonymous, told reporters that she might sue Lego under the trade description act as the figure certainly wasn’t mini, but she also warned other grandparents to read the description before putting an item in the shopping basket.
Finally, in our international, or perhaps interstellar item we look up into the heavens. Tens of people have been excited about the latest moon landing, which is predicted to be the start of the long awaited moon colony. The discovery of one frozen muddy puddle could mean that water can be accessed to brew beer and create oxygen.
Happy Febmas everyone, how long is it since we were all together? Are you glad to be back in the country Danny, back to civilisation?
Is that what you call it? Thank goodness I renewed my contract.
But I thought…
I don’t know how you live with your conscience, raking in all that money in a repressive regime while their citizens suffer.
Ahhem how was your holiday Lydia?
Remind me not to listen to Charles next time he suggests an adventure holiday. I’ve never been so cold in my life.
What did you expect at base camp darling?
For the money we paid, a lot more than a frozen solid tent.
Some of us can’t even afford a holiday to Bognor, mortgage and buying food…
You’ll be glad in the long run son, your mother and I never had a penny to spend on ourselves.
But you were happy ha ha…
Yes we were, we had fun with you all when you were young and you never went hungry like those poor families on television.
Humm, they just need to get a job and learn to cook proper meals like Mum did.
Not that simple Danny.
Let’s dwell on more cheerful things. Isn’t Jodie’s news wonderful.
What news?
The baby of course.
BABY!
I thought you knew, Danny.
Obviously not. How on earth did that happen? I thought you were with Annya?
I am.
Baby? I thought Jodie was a, you know, is she better now, got herself married?
Oh are you awake Aunty?
I thought you said Aunty Mable had no idea what’s been going on for the last five years.
Ssh, she has moments of lucidity.
Usually at the worst moment.
Annya and I really wanted to have a baby.
Don’t you need a chap for that, or did you get an anonymous donor?
Remember Joseph at school? He’s been wonderful and so thrilled to get the chance to be a father.
At last we get to be grandparents.
Not actually biological grandparents, but it will be just like the real thing.
What do you mean?
We used Annya’ egg, she couldn’t mess around being pregnant with her work.
My Arthur wasn’t up to it, that’s why we didn’t have children.
Oh Aunty that’s sad, did you want them?
Always used to blame the woman in those days, no such thing as low sperm count then. Though in our case Arthur just wasn’t interested in that sort of thing.
Wel, well family secrets coming out. Was he gay?
How should I know, we didn’t talk about that stuff.
Anyway, nothing wrong with my sperm count, but Avril and I have made a conscious decision not to have brats and I can’t think why Jodie would go to all that trouble to have one.
I didn’t expect any support from you Danny, after all, you did break the leg off my baby doll, that’s why I didn’t bother telling you.
You always bring that up, it was an accident.
No it wasn’t, you were always breaking our toys.
And stealing my Lego.
What about you Scot, are you still seeing Kamala, we thought you might have invited her here.
No, yes, I mean yes Kamala and I are an item and no I didn’t invite her as I didn’t want to put her through this. I knew exactly what it would be like.
Yes, who else would it be, why didn’t you answer before?
When?
Half an hour ago and several times before that.
I did get some caller unknown calls so of course I ignored them. I only answered this time accidentally. Why aren’t you calling from your phone?
Because I lost my phone, didn’t you get my text messages?
Was that really you, I thought it was one of those scams, I’m not daft. I’m certainly not going to be like those old people on You and Yours who lose all their money.
I wasn’t asking you for any money.
Good, because I’m certainly not sending any money to Morrocco. So are you enjoying your holiday?
I was till I Iost my phone.
Where did you lose it?
If I knew that I would probably have found it by now.
Where are you calling from?
I’m borrowing someone else’s phone so I can’t be long.
Whose?
A new friend.
Where’s Caroline?
Gone off on a trip with some bloke.
What, so you’re all on your own?
Mother, I’m 39, you don’t have to worry about me.
I obviously do if you’ve managed to lose your phone.
I just need you to go on line and get hold of my bank.
Can’t you phone them?
No, all that security stuff is on my phone.
I told you it’s not safe to do all your banking on your phone. How am I going to contact your bank, they closed my branch.
You just go on line.
But I don’t do on line banking for myself, let alone for anyone else and they would be suspicious. Come to think of it, how do I know this is you?
Of course it’s me, I’m your daughter.
But it could be one of those AI thingys cloning your voice…
The ice rink and the Santa Express have gone, the trees are bare, even the artificial flowers are depressed, but the Bourne Stream is happy with the rain as it flows off to top up the sea…
Time to brighten up the house while you wait for spring.
Times and Tides of a Beachwriter 