It’s that time in December when you think it’s ages till Christmas, but when you turn up to your club or group, everyone except you has brought Christmas cards…
That’s Christmas dinner sorted. When you are so glad to be a CoOp member so you get emails with fantastic recipe ideas! Please note this is green Southern CoOp, not blue CoOp up the road, who probably wouldn’t want to be connected with such culinary crimes!
When you can only find four Christmas decorations.
When you wonder who opened day 8 on your advent calendar.
But a tiny harbourside seaside town would surely only expect to have one or two murders in a decade?
I agree, in fact the tiny seaside town where we film has had no real murders in the past decade.
Precisely.
But that’s because they have had no crime at all since we started filming; the locals are paranoid they might be accidentally filmed dropping litter or parking on a double yellow line, let alone burglary or murder.
I may be going out on a limb here, but how about for the next series we don’t have any murders?
What would we have for a story line? How would we compete with Scandi Noir and cold cases in hot Australian country towns?
Gentle stories about real life, fishing trips and trips to the food bank, battles to keep the village school open.
That sounds boring, viewers expect some deaths.
I have a brainwave. Deaths that appear to be murder, but turn out to be natural causes. Woman found poisoned, new police constable notes her flat is filled with plants and recalls how his aunt always uses fresh water for her tea and waters her plants with the old water in the kettle. He ponders what if one or more of the plants is poisonous, the kettle touches the leaves and the poison is transferred to her tea, perhaps gradual build up. CID take no notice of him and this is where the drama comes in. He has to go out on a limb, photographing every plant, Googling them…
They, could be a female officer.
Okay, they, even though its only one officer…they get in touch with Kew Gardens and persuade them to send an expert who discovers a rare South American jungle plant next to the television set.
Or in the bathroom, it would like steamy conditions. But is that going to take six episodes?
Rich old lady found at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck, who pushed her? My mother says most accidents on stairs are caused by remembering you have forgotten something and turning suddenly, half way up or down.
Hm, at least that’s quite violent.
Young farmer found with throat slashed in the barn; turns out he tripped over a free range hen and in a freak accident the abattoir knife they use to dispatch the outdoor reared pigs for their farm shop, slashes his throat. No cctv, everyone is blamed and the family torn apart, before a clever pathologist on holiday proves the truth.
Which was difficult because the pigs had already half eaten him…
No, No we don’t want too much gore.
Sorry, sorry, this is not going to work, especially as the BBC wants to axe us, production costs too high.
We can’t stop, it would ruin lives. Half the cast have bought holiday homes, or moved there permanently, got pigs and chickens and boats. And the locals would be devastated, they depend on our six months filming for business.
Hang on, I thought we had ruined their lives, causing property prices to rocket with everyone wanting to live there or have holiday homes. No chance for the young locals.
That’s why we pay the mortgages and rent for half the villagers, we need them as realistic extras.
No wonder production costs are so high, but it would cause an outcry. The public are looking forward to series eleven and the 2024 Christmas Special. We need to think of a really good plot, spy submarine in the harbour sinks a fishing boat with three generations on board…
It is only a tiny harbour… but perhaps further out at sea and then the submarine fires torpedoes at the lifeboat… yes, I think we can do it.
And for today’s cheerful tune, wouldn’t all writers like to write this fast?
An island community is calling for their independence to be recognised. The ᛏᛁᛈ ᛏᛟᛖ ᛈᛖᛟᛈᛚᛖ or Tip Toe People appear to have gone unnoticed on their little isle in the Irish Sea. Even ornithologists had no knowledge of a bird unique to ᛏᛁᛈ ᛏᛟᛖ ᛁᛋᛚᚨᚾᛞ, Tip Toe Island. Sea bird experts are refusing to disclose the location of this island surrounded by rugged seas.
The Tip Toe people are so called because they tip toe barefoot carefully around the ground nests of the Rainbow Gaeulls. Unlike most sea birds with their blacks, greys and whites the Rainbow Gaeull has bright red, yellow and blue plumage, fluorescent orange webbed feet and a magenta beak.
Their stunning appearance makes them vulnerable to attack by predators and humans and this is the likely reason they are only found on this island, protected by their unique ancient association with the Tip Toe people. The gaeulls take off each morning in their strange formation and spot shoals of fish, the Tip Toe fishermen then follow in their small boats. As they haul their nets in the birds are rewarded with a share of the bountiful catch.
But this idyllic lifestyle is threatened by the discovery of precious Iridium deep in a cave, at the base of the cliff on the rocky side of the island avoided by the Tip Toes.
The foolhardy adventurer who made the discovery remains anonymous and the Tip Toes claim to know nothing about his revelations. But he must have told someone because now Eire, Northern Island, Scotland, The Isle of Mann and England are all claiming ownership of the isle.
Now our intrepid reporter from BBC Radio Nan Gaidheal, Rhuari MacGael, has landed on the island and brings us this report.
‘Is iad na Toes Tip tíre garbh, wiry le gruaig rua fiáin, ach síochánta agus milis. The Tip Toes are a rugged, wiry folk with wild red hair, but peaceful and gentle, or so I have bin tellt. They claim their language is a unique mix of Gaelic, Cymraeg and ᚾᛟᚱᛋᛖ , a heritage from the lands that surround them and the seafaring Norsemen. So I am finding it a wee bit difficult to understand them and only a few islanders have a smattering of English. I tried to explain that David Attenborough is on their side. To which I think they replied
Pwy yw’r uffern yw David Attenborough?
Achub ein gaeulls enfys sanctaidd
They were pleading with me to leave their sacred birds alone, then they addressed me in i toin beagán níos láidre
Nid oes unrhyw un o’r tu allan erioed wedi gadael yr ynys hon yn fyw.
Concern is growing for a reporter from BBC Radio Nan Gaidheal who was last heard reporting from the newly discovered island of Tip Toe in the Irish Sea.
David Attenborough had earlier pleaded for this precious island and its unique birds to be left alone.
Language experts have been attempting to translate the last words Rhuari MacGael transmitted.
Times and Tides of a Beachwriter 