Tales and Tribulations

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I have been a little distanced from blogging recently. It’s half term and I’m briefly in between visitors. This bleak time of year is perfect for catching up on creative pursuits, so I have built the Lego orchid I got for my birthday this time last year and crocheted an African Violet from a Christmas book.

For this year’s birthday my younger son sent me a Fitbit and my older son set it up. I haven’t figured out most of the functions, my main in-put was choosing the colour of the strap, burnt orange. I know my heart is beating and messages pop up on my phone and emails to reveal that since Sunday I have earned three pairs of shoes and a Marathon badge. Even as I write this it has the cheek to buzz me and say it’s time to move.

Most importantly, I have actually published my first book on Amazon Kindle since November 2019, all by myself.

My late husband never read any of my books, but he did learn from scratch how to publish them and created the covers with his photographic and digital skills. He had the advantage of never panicking with computers and not being emotionally involved with the books.

Not completely  by myself as I followed word by word a handy book I downloaded to my Kindle called very originally…

HOW TO PUBLISH A BOOK ON AMAZON

and humbly…

REAL ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO’S DOING IT WELL

and no doubt selling more books than me!

By Sam Kerns

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Publish-Book-Amazon-2018-ebook/dp/B01M0J5KZA

I went to places on Microsoft Word I have never been before and conquered two of the fears experienced by beginners formulating a manuscript for an eBook, page breaks and even scarier, chapter headings and table of contents.

I got the message every book parent waits for, your book is live on Kindle, before I had even gone to bed. I downloaded it, but it did not appear on my Kindle, which seemed to have gone on WIFI strike. I had no idea if my book was okay.

After trying various things, I eventually hit upon an idea when I got home the next afternoon. I turned my Kindle off and on again and my book appeared instantly.  There might just be a couple of deliberate mistakes on the Kindle version, see if you can spot them.

Yesterday I ordered my second proof copy of the paperback version, all part of the learning experience… Tidalscribe Tales is another collection of short fiction, a handy volume to practice with while my next novel evolves. The challenge is to create a cover with a back, front and spine, with illustrations of some sort. You can use Amazon cover creator or have a go yourself. I wanted to use my own photos; I take many with no idea what size, shape or mysterious formats they might be in. Amazon rejected them. I tried the Amazon cover and it let me put my picture on the front, sort of…  anyway, at least my first proof copy enabled me to spot a few things that needed changing. Hopefully a future blog will reveal how I got on.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Tidalscribe-Tales-Janet-Gogerty-ebook/dp/B0DWV9J83V

Tuesday Tiny Tale – Imperfect Crime

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‘I don’t care where or how, as long as he is never ever found. You will do it as soon as possible and never contact me. When he does not return home I will assume it is done and after a few days I will report him missing and the second instalment will appear in your bank account. If a year passes with me receiving only sympathy from the police, you will receive the final substantial payment.’

They nodded in agreement and my aides entered the room to blindfold the three men again and escort them out to a waiting vehicle. It was a one hundred mile drive back to the outskirts of the city. I had every faith that the hefty first payment they were given a week ago would ensure they carried out their task.

I had never trusted Phillip’s partner, but for this plan I did. We had the same aim with neither of us getting blood on our hands. His contacts in the underworld had provided contract killers who could not be traced back to Phil or us. It was costing me very little as I had been syphoning money from Phil’s various bank accounts for years. His patronising assumption that I could just about manage the little personal and housekeeping accounts he had set up for me worked to my advantage. Phil also assumed I was only capable of using the old computer in my sewing room for dipping into social media.

It was on an ordinary shopping trip that an unexpected problem arose. I was just putting my shopping for one in the boot when a rough looking girl ran over to me crying that her bag had been stolen. She begged to borrow my phone to call the police. I wasn’t going to fall for that one and have my phone stolen, but she looked genuinely upset and reassured me I could keep my phone safely in my own hands and call the police, then put it on speaker so she could speak to them.

I weakened and let the false cosy image I projected 99% of the time take over. Ordinary anxious menopausal housewife meekly dialled 999.

‘Emergency, which service do you require. Fire, police or ambulance?’

‘Police, hurry’ cried the girl.

‘Police, how can I help you?’

To my astonishment the bag was not mentioned. The girl stammered in panic…

‘In the office in the old Jackson shoe factory you’ll find Phil Hardy’s body in a broken cupboard.’

‘Can I have your name please’ the calm voice spoke from my phone.

The girl looked directly at me, pointed at me, then whispered ‘Your phone, your name – goodbye…’

She was gone in a flash.

‘Caller’s name please’ the remote voice repeated.

The police are never around when you want them. I terminated the call, but already I could hear sirens. I didn’t know local big businessmen warranted such an urgent response, I had been pleased they hadn’t seemed interested in his disappearance. Now he was dead, or perhaps still a live body all three emergency services were turning up. Fair enough, the building was on the verge of collapse and I would not want anyone risking their lives for Phillip.

I was slipping into the driver’s seat to go home, play the shocked widow if they brought terrible news, but in seconds a uniformed chap was banging on the window.

‘So glad you’re here officer, I was just tricked into handing over my phone. This girl made a hoax call about my poor missing husband.’

‘Hopefully it is a hoax Madam, we will soon know, but prepare yourself, they are checking the building right this moment.’

I don’t think they were sure whether to arrest me or offer support with the Police Liasson officer. After a cup of tea at the police station it was decided to let me go home as a person of interest, with police protection in case whoever murdered my husband also wanted to kill me and presumably so I could not leave. They didn’t use the word murder or tell me any details, but it was soon all over local social media. My every day phone was kept at the police station, nothing incriminating on that one. I slipped into my ensuite bathroom with my iPad and read on the local Facebook page comments that would probably be rapidly deleted in the interests of good taste.

 Decomposing body still recognisable as missing businessman Phil Hardy.

Urban explorers find more than they bargained for.

Teenage couple left traumatised as body topples out of cupboard.

His flesh was falling off his face.

His eyeballs rolled out.

Whatever possessed the killers to stick him in a cupboard in a building near our local shops and our house? Well, I certainly wouldn’t be using their services again, nor would they get the final payment next year. Maybe I should not have told them our address, but how could they have tracked Phillip down without knowing where he lived?

Silly Sunday – Guessing Games

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REAL OR NOT? ANSWERS AT THE END

Street Art

CHEAP RIDES IF YOU TAKE STANDING ROOM ONLY

African Violet

WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT AND THERE ARE TEN MORE BAGS OF BITS… – what will it be, if you can work out the instructions?

Before Ikea

Could you make this?

ANSWERS

How many did you get right?

Silly Saturday – February Fun

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Be careful not to utter the words ‘Oh what a lovely day’ – the clouds are listening.

You never know when The Green Man is watching you.

When you are expecting visitors and you have forgotten to tidy up.

Brighten your shopping trip

When you ask for Lego for your birthday

A government spokesman denied scientists’ claims that global warming is causing insects and arachnids to become slightly larger.

Tuesday Tiny Tale -The Sponge

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The other kids called him The Sponge because of the effortless way he soaked up information. His parents had thought he might meet his match at the large senior school, no longer top dog as he was at  primary school, but he was soon a legend. Far from being an awkward genius his quick wit and sense of humour attracted friends and the fact he did their homework for them ensured a loyal following.

Mr and Mrs Nardo had followed family tradition of naming first born sons Leo. By the time he was four they had realised he was far cleverer than them and his younger siblings just took it for granted that Leo knew everything. They were not quite as clever as Leo, but their parents continued producing babies, considering it was their duty to contribute to the gene pool.

At school the teachers played down his abilities. As he appeared to have no syndromes, nor be on any spectrum they were not eligible for extra funding to get university professors in to keep Leo challenged. Instead, an afterschool club was started, for children with ‘extra interests’, it was not to be suggested that the little group were clever or cleverer than all the other pupils.

Leo was soon running the group and showing off his party tricks such as writing normally with his left hand and writing back to front on the other side of the paper with his right hand at the same time. He said it was easy, but nobody else in the group could do it. Parents were persuaded to contribute so the group could buy Lego and chemistry sets and all sorts of items that inventors would need. A teacher was present merely for health and safety reasons.

Dinner time at home was always lively and Mr and Mrs Nardo tried to make sure all the children got a chance to talk about their day, but somehow by the time they were eating pudding Leo had an intellectual conversation underway.

‘I was thinking it would be impossible to work out who the cleverest person in the world is, because nobody else would be clever or knowledgeable enough to understand how much that person knew or understood.’

‘Or she’ butted in his sister’ why can’t the cleverest person be a woman?’

‘They could be’ said Leo ‘but I was thinking it would be me, but how would I know?’

His parents sighed.

‘I don’t think it matters,’ said his father ‘all you have to do is use your talents for good, not for power or money.’

‘Yes I’ve already considered that. I will need a good deal of money for all my inventions, but I could get investors for that. I thought I could save the whole planet.’

‘Rather ambitious, but an excellent idea’ said his mother. ‘Will that be after university?’

‘No, soon, I’ve already written a book about how to do it. I just need to publish it. You can read it if you like.’

After dinner his parents sat at the state of the art computer they had given Leo for Christmas and started reading the word document of 300, 000 words. There were only about thirty words they understood.

‘The first few chapters are about metaphysics’ said Leo airily ‘I want readers to keep an open mind about the universe.’

His father hoped they would not be expected to proof read it and suggested as a joke he self published on Amazon first. Leo thought that a good idea and persuaded his father to open an account, then leave him to get on with it.

By Sunday evening he had borrowed his mother’s Kindle and showed the family his new book. By Wednesday a box arrived from Amazon with his weighty tome in paperback. He took a few copies to school.

The head of the science department was surprised and impressed with the cover design and happy and not a little amused to accept a signed copy as a gift, promising to start reading it in his lunch break.

In the afternoon science lesson Leo asked him what he thought of it so far. He responded by asking Leo what his parents thought of it.

‘Well to be honest, I don’t think they understood a word.’

The teacher was relieved as he grappled with the right words of encouragement.

‘Ah, I am managing to understand it so far, well the introduction at least…’

Silly Saturday – January Japes

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Why does this little fellow fear Burns Night? Warning, the following picture may contain upsetting images.

New eyesight test for frequent users of screens. Can you tell the difference?

What crafty ideas did you get for Christmas?

What have you ordered on line recently? ‘Hoovering’ used to be a simple operation…

Let’s relax and play some games. Do you manage to fill in all the lines?

How is your language learning going?

Do you manage to win at Wordblitz or start off hopeful…

Still hopeful, but it usually goes wrong in the last round. Final results later perhaps…

Results just in, scroll down to the end.

Luckily I seem to have acquired a new friend.

Yup, beaten again. I’m the left hand side, I’m not saying who is on the right, it could be one of several friends who regularly beat me. A scientific study shows it makes no difference whether I am playing on my desk top, on my iPad or on my phone on the wobbly bus.

How do you like to pass these winter days or hot summer days?

A Quarter of a Century

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My father came home one day, very excited with a new invention, Velcro! He worked in plastics, but I’m not sure if the plastic factory where he was manager actually produced it. Looking up Velcro I see it was commercially available in the fifties, but to us in the late 1960s it was a novelty. He kept trying to find ways of using Velcro around the house. 

More exciting inventions lay ahead of course, Dad once said that he would like to live to a hundred to see what would be invented. Sadly he only got past seventy. August 2025 he would have been one hundred and I have thought for a while it would be interesting to think of how many new inventions he has missed. This is rather an overwhelming task; there is a difference between something being invented and most people being aware or getting to use it.

2025 also marks a quarter of a century gone by, whether 25 is the last year of the quarter or the first year of the next, doesn’t really matter. I can remember when, thanks to George Orwell, 1984 was The Future, then 2001 A Space Odyssey confirmed the start of a new century as the obvious FUTURE when we would be living in plastic bubbles on the moon.

All that seemed to happen at the turn of the century was the panic that all the computers would get confused and everything would be switched off. At work we were seriously considering whether we should all go home and fill the garage with tins of food and flagons of water. Chez Gogerty we didn’t in the end and luckily all was well.

How has life changed in those twenty five years? Before the millennium I naively thought the twenty first century would be one of peace after all the violence of the twentieth, how wrong could I be. We can definitely conclude that humans have tried everything to make the world a better place, following faith, education, new political ideas, better medical treatments, scientific improvements. Alas new inventions are hijacked by criminals and war mongers as well as doctors and scientists hoping to improve lives.

So what in your life is vastly different from 2001 AD or CE .

I seem to recall saying at the end of last century that had I known home computers were going to be invented, I would not have got married let alone had children! I cannot recall why. Probably children arguing over whose turn it was to use the one computer and me saying everyone was spending too much time on that ghastly second hand machine with green writing, my memories are hazy. I do know that fathers were saying they should get a computer for the children, when they actually wanted one for themselves.

Now of course I can’t imagine not having a computer and iPad and panic if I forget my phone, even if I am just popping to the greengrocers.

What has changed in your life over the past twenty five years?

Sunday Stroll – Following Famous Footsteps

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Here’s a clue as to where we might go today.

It’s very windy so you may not want to sit on the top deck.

Freshwater Bay

A stroll up the road leads us to a lovely home…

Clues to the talent of the home’s owner

Who visited her?

You have probably guessed we are in the nineteenth century during the reign of Queen Victoria and Freshwater Bay was definitely the place to be.

At home with Julia Margaret Cameron

https://dimbola.co.uk/

Thursday Thoughts from the Unherd

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Here we are, standing shivering, wondering why we have been woken up before sunrise. TV cameras intruding just to please breakfast television, then the reporter has the cheek to say

‘Of course these chaps don’t feel the cold, they come from the Antarctic.’

I come from Bristol and my feet are frozen.

Yup, same with us. There they are in their Alpine designer outdoor wear talking about our fur coats keeping us warm in the Gobi desert. They don’t even keep us warm in English snow, let alone the Gobi, not that I have ever seen an actual desert.

Don’t know why they were so surprised we had a baby, we’ve known for ages, chose a name weeks ago. Now they have the cheek to announce a competition to name OUR baby.

She’s right, taking away our dignity and identity, trying to disconnect us from thousands of years of family tradition, the proud name of our clan. They have no fashion sense then laugh at our stripes. Then the ultimate insult, what name do they give us? ZEBRAS! How ridiculous a name is that.

It could be worse, what about me. Miss know-it-all reporter is telling everyone I’m going to give birth to a mammoth. I thought they had laws against offensive remarks. There is nothing more insulting you can call us than Mammoth. There is a very good reason those hairy idiots died out millennia ago.