Friday Flash Fiction 500 – Biodegradable

Cauldrons bubbled, paddles stirred, pumps rose and fell. The dye selector scurried along seeking indigo and sunflower to make that special shade of green for Familyfresh.

Malcolm Rust loved machinery and money, in that order. Childhood visits to industrial museums had given him a love of pistons and presses. The only history he was interested in at school was of Victorian valleys filled with furnaces and engineering entrepreneurs making a mint, so they could build great houses on top of hills looking down on their wealth. His weekends as a teenager had been spent scouring the country for redundant factory equipment and thinking of money making projects to fund his hobby.

He had no interest in the environment, except as the provider of water courses to power mills, until he met Melissa. She worked with his mother at the new Veganarium that had replaced the cheese and bacon shop. His mother needed a job, but for Melisa it was her whole way of life.

As far as Malcolm was concerned food was fuel, the same as coal, wood and diesel for his beloved machines. But as Melissa chattered on about recipes for allergen free biscuits and biodegradable wrappers, he thought he might find a way to her heart. Why not make the biscuits and packets with the same recipe? It was time to investigate corn starch and fructose.

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Now he was no longer Mr Rust, but Mr Green, inventor of the edible carrier bag and three days ago Melissa had become Mrs. Green. Channel Four was making a documentary about their plans for a perfect Ecohouse with living walls.

But no sooner had the carrier bags become familiar in every supermarket than the first criticisms began to appear on social media. Members of the public no longer had to feel guilty about plastic or litter; discarded sweet wrappers, takeaway boxes and shopping bags would all be eaten by wildlife, from snails to deer. In fact the carrier bags were so delicious, passing dogs were liable to take a bite out of your shopping.

Then came the first news story from the Familyfresh Fairtrade supermarket. Overnight, all the bundles of new carrier bags had disappeared from the store room. The first clue to the mystery came when three large rats scampered across the feet of the store manager. He ran out into the main store, only to see several more rats slip away from the checkouts. The second clue was the remnant of a carrier bag hanging limply, serrated with huge teeth marks.

A meeting of COBRA * was called after pest exterminators made urgent reports of supersized rats, gardeners posted pictures on Facebook of giant snails and a photograph appeared on breakfast television of a fox the size of a deer hound. Malcolm was summoned to reveal the ingredients of his carrier bags…

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*Cobra stands for Cabinet Office briefing room A. Cobra meetings are held in Downing Street to plan government responses in times of emergency.

Silly Saturday – Various Verses

                                              Beach Hut

 

Six years we’ve waited for this wooden box,

With flaking paint and rusty locks.

There’s barely room to stand,

The floor covered in sand.

The towels are damp and musty

And all the shelves are dusty.

 

But the kettle and mugs are well in reach

And there’s a great view of the beach.

In the sun we sit and read books

Waves beckon, costumes hanging on the hooks.

Wet and cold return for hot tea,

Strip off and dress in modesty.

 

The neighbours are close, two inches away,

Her next door is topless today,

His huge stomach should not be seen,

Thank goodness for the screen between.

The other side are out of sight,

Soaring under parachutes bright.

 

Their boards dip the waves, then ride up high,

We sit and watch them in the sky.

If we fall asleep as we usually do

We won’t notice when they drop from view.

Until we hear roaring whir above the wave

As Coastguard hovers, kite surfers to save.

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New Things

 

How to adore new things.

No need to buy, to bring

The sensual delight

Of touch, smell and sight.

 

John Lewis sells to you

Cotton, wool, silk, bamboo

Knitting yarns, skeins and such,

Many hues, soft to touch.

 

Call in at the bookshop,

Look out for new stock,

White paper, page pristine,

Smooth spine, jacket clean.

 

Tack shop for leather new

Saddles, bridles on view,

Shopkeeper hopes to sell;

No, just here for the smell.

 

Go down to the saw mill

Experience the thrill,

Newly sawn scented wood,

Golden sawdust feels good.

 

Ancient ocean, old land,

New waves, new tides, smooth sand,

Grains glitter, sparkling foam,

Before feet start to roam.

 

Sunrise reveals hard frost,

New scenery at no cost,

White landscape, yours to view,

Air sharp, breath anew.

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Skruvstas and Scandi Storage Solutions

Ditch your relatives and join the Ikea Family. Is a visit to Ikea your idea of heaven or hell? I love watching Scandi Noir, solving murders with sub titles, but more interesting than grizzly crimes are the delightful interior decors of the victims’ homes. A day at Ikea is the antidote to Scandi Noir; Swedish Serenity and Baltic Bright.

A day of serenity is not how some people would describe a visit to Ikea; how often have you heard the words ‘We thought we’d never get out’, referring to the shop itself or the traffic queues. But the Ikea devotee might be happy to stay there forever.

For the uninitiated here is a handy guide to your day out. Ikea is celebrating thirty years in Britain, though the company is over seventy years old. Along that time line we have had both frustrations and bargain buys of items we could find nowhere else. When Ikea at Wembley announced they were opening till ten pm on weekday nights I ignored my principle of never going anywhere that involved the North Circular; who else would think of going there late on a Tuesday school night? The whole of Northwest London; we DID think we would never get out.

When Ikea opened in Southampton in 2009, as our new local, I was thrilled. Our first outing did not involve traffic, we took the ferry from Hythe across Southampton Water. This involves walking or taking the little train to the end of the very long Hythe jetty, followed by a short voyage which is ideal for gazing at ocean liners. Once you have landed you cannot miss the large blue and yellow Ikea sign.

Last week we planned to do serious shopping for my new writer’s den so we took the car; congratulating ourselves on getting a place in the ground floor car park. The next stage for all shoppers is to ascend to the top of the building, there are lifts, but it is more fun to take the stairs and moving walkways. The top floor of the car park is an ideal spot for admiring the maritime view and the top heavy ocean liners.

It was half term and busy; the show floor is a fun place for children, a giant dolls’ house with rooms laid out to show how Ikea makes the tiniest flat a real home.  Home with a capital H, ‘staying in is the new going out’. Ikealand is full of happy families, couples and independent singles. If the homeless or lonely come in to escape the cold or the real world it must surely emphasise what they don’t have, perhaps there is Scandi Noir at the heart of Ikea.

But dwelling on the problems of the outside world is not what most customers are doing as they dart in and out of doors and rooms, reading the delightfully obscure Swedish names. Soon it’s time for a break in the huge restaurant, where the famous comfort food, meat balls, gravy and mash is served on an industrial scale; this is also the time to make important decisions. There are queues, but there is a simple solution for those of us who are clumsy or not in possession of two strong arms; trolleys you can put two trays on.

It was after lunch that we touched a screen to see the benefits of being Ikea family members; free tea and coffee, we did not hesitate.

Back in the show rooms grab your order form and start the real work; time spent up in heaven is less time wasted down in the warehouse. Choosing multi coloured inserts for your bright yellow Kallax unit requires concentration. After a free cup of coffee it was time to find the stairs; there are plenty of staff around to tell you how to escape the maze of rooms.

The market on the floor below also goes on for ever; piles of colourful fabric and gadgets you didn’t know you needed, everything from a grundvatnet to a propmatt, or you can assemble a dinner set in plain white.

At last you take more stairs down to the warehouse; if you can read your own writing you should know the exact aisle and location for each item of flat pack.

When we emerged to a glorious sunset we couldn’t find the car. The ground floor we were on was not the same as the ground floor we had driven into. Trundling with trolleys to the lift, then finally to the car, it was a relief when everything fitted in.

If assembling furniture is not your forte, or you went by bike, Ikea will deliver, measure and assemble. If a day at Ikea does not appeal you can go on line, but you will miss all the fun. By the time we got home an email awaited us, welcoming us to the family with a virtual tour of Almhult, home of Ikea. I can’t wait to return and claim my free gift.