Warning: If you want to avoid the topic of death and dark humour read no further.
Covid has completely changed the way we do funerals; whatever your faith or traditions most funerals involved an open invitation to attend, with numbers kept manageable merely by the short notice, travel involved or the health of elderly relatives. Equally important were the refreshments afterwards, whether a cup of tea back at the house or a big booze up at the deceased’s local, it was a chance to catch up with long lost relatives and reminisce about the dearly departed. At present, funerals seem very bleak.
In between the death of my mother and husband I heard of the sudden death of a friend I hadn’t seen for ages; the game of death was being played out at speed. I was sent a link for the funeral at the crematorium and logged in successfully on time. I thought I had missed it as I saw the coffin disappear through the curtains and cleaners appear to dust and spray. Crematoriums work on a strict half hourly in and out schedule; the notes with the link warned with words to the effect that if you accidentally zoomed in on the wrong funeral you must close your eyes. The one camera revealed only the backs of my friend’s mourners as they entered to Elvis Presley singing ‘Love Me Tender’. It was hard to work out who the tiny group of mourners might be until the immediate family sat down at the front; it did feel bleak. A woman introduced herself as someone official and spoke on behalf of the family, but when my friend’s son got up and spoke very amusingly and movingly the bleakness was gone. The memories came back and the official lady rounded everything up with dignified words and The Lord’s Prayer – ‘proper version’ from the 1662 Book of Common Prayer. Everyone filed out to more Elvis.
Cyberspouse had always been adamant he did not want a funeral. His one wish, decided years ago, was to bequeath his body to science and he had filled in all the forms. Our part was to call the hot line to Southampton University Centre for Learning Anatomical Sciences as soon as possible. Once a year they have a service for families of donors so we would be doing something. Cyberspouse knew there was no guarantee of acceptance, in normal times they might have enough bodies. Plan B was cremation and we could do what we liked with his ashes! Sadly we were not surprised when it turned out Covid had wrecked Plan A; they weren’t accepting any bodies.
Two days after Cyberspouse’s death my daughter and I were at our local Co Op funeral parlour chatting to a very nice lady who was totally unfazed by our instructions for no funeral; we would have a ‘direct cremation’ with a courier delivering the ashes. A pleasant surprise was that she was composing a mini biography, tapping away at the computer as we offered snippets, so that the staff ‘caring’ for him would see a real person who had had a life. The few times I have been involved in organising funerals there always seem to be amusing moments. She said he would be dressed in a white robe; daughter and I looked at each other ‘No way!’ As he liked casual wear we agreed he should be left in the shorts and T shirt he had worn most of the hot summer.
A few weeks later I was told when the ashes would be delivered. A man in black stood on the doorstep and I could not see how he had arrived. I peeped out the window after he left and saw him open the boot of an ordinary car; the boot was full of smart grey paper carriers with large grey tubs, identical to what he had just given me – at least he wasn’t in a white van doubling up with Amazon deliveries. What will we do with the ashes? I have some ideas, but getting family together or traveling to places all seems so difficult with Covid and we have all heard stories of ashes kept on the mantlepiece…
Does it matter if you don’t have a funeral? At a funeral you can write something and read it out and you probably have flowers. I will be writing more blogs, I wrote a piece for our camera club, of which Cyberspouse had been chairman a few years ago and the house was full of flowers, more appreciated than their short life at a funeral. I have kept the flowers topped up – easier than visiting the cemetery. We had to explain to everyone there would be no funeral, but how many would have been allowed to come with the Covid situation? We carried out his wishes. Unless you own an ancestral estate you do have to get official involvement in taking care of the body of your loved one, but it seems you don’t have to have a funeral.
Dark Humour.
My mother told me that though her father died suddenly, too young, they still found themselves bursting into laughter when the funeral director left their home; he had been so ridiculously sombre and Dickensian.
When we took my uncle to arrange my aunt’s funeral the chap who showed us in was straight out of a Dickens novel, gaunt and dressed in black. But he showed us into an office to talk to an ordinary bloke who went through the plans then finished up with a flourish ‘… and this coffin comes with a special offer this week, a free shroud.’
When I got a letter back from the Co Op a few days after our visit, it came with a free book mark impregnated with flower seeds! Rather amusing considering what even this most basic of their services had cost!
Times and Tides of a Beachwriter 
Much food for thought, here, Janet. I’m not sure what I want – certainly not a doom and gloom church service. The nearest green burial place is a waterlogged field which requires mourners to wear their wellies. I think cremation but guess there should be some decision about the ashes or they’ll hang around until the next member of the family kicks the bucket. I didn’t know Covid had stopped them taking bodies for research.
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Thanks Mary. I rather like the idea of the muddy field. I have put myself down for the woodland burial site in the New Forest. We went to a lovely funeral there – more about that in another blog.
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Given your warning at the very beginning I had thought about not reading your post. But the thought of a little dark humour intrigued me. When my father died my brother, sister and I were at the funeral home and we were concerned about how we would be perceived. You see they had put us in a room with my father’s body and closed the door. I am quite sure they thought we were horrible people when they heard the gales of laughter from behind those doors. Between tears we were remembering my father. There was a lot of laughter in my life growing up. That’s what needs to be remembered. Maybe you could write a memoir… It sounds like you had a childhood much like mine and perhaps a marriage like my parents.
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Thanks Q. I am sure you are brave enough to read all my blogs! I expect funeral directors have seen and heard it all. Laughter comes after stress I think. Your father sounds great.
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I’m guessing it helps to see some of the (dark) humor in such situations…
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Hello Jim, yes I think it does – not sure if that’s just my family or an English thing!
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probably a combination!
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Not sure about there, but here in the states, some families have the containers of ashes buried in a cemetery, so there is still a place for those who want to go and “visit.”
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Thanks Becky. I met a man on the cliff top once who said he had just come to chat to his wife – he had thrown her ashes in the sea. My grandfather wanted his ashes thrown over the river – the first person in the family to have such an idea! Cyberspouse wouldn’t want to be put in a plot.
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Everyone has their own ideas on this, and some people probably don’t care at all what happens after they have moved on.
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A church hear us has what seems to be an area for ashes. And a neighborhood cat thinks it makes a great litterbox.
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Oh, my…this must be a bit different. These are regular burial plots, grassed over, with ashes buried underneath in containers. So, it looks just like a traditional burial plot.
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Oops. Make that “near us.”
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I would have liked to have met your mother Ellen.
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Both my sister and my mother have talked about a no funeral and here it has popped up again it seems to be a spreading consensus among many…Me… I want a firework made from my ashes and a gathering on the beach with a BBQ and music(loud) and set me off at midnight it is after all the witching hour…
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Hello Carol, I am glad others have the same idea. My younger son and daughter-in-law do firework events so we have talked about doing that, though they have some stories of when that goes wrong!
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A free shroud! In that case, let’s get two!
My mother told us that if anyone held a funeral for her she’d get up and walk out. We didn’t, and she didn’t have to.
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Thoughtful and amusing as always, Janet. Here’s some interesting ideas for saying goodbye to your husband’s ashes if and when you are ready (including the fireworks idea but I like the reef idea). https://www.funeralguide.co.uk/blog/what-to-do-with-cremation-ashes
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That’s strange as I was just looking at the very same site tonight and sent the reef link to the rest of the family. Weymouth is a place we knew well.
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I wouldn’t mind being popped into the ground in a simple biodegradable shroud and a tree planted on top.
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Perfect – environmentally friendly. I have been to a Woodland Burial funeral – though they did use a coffin.
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I’m glad humor is sneaking in! When my perennial early-bird dad died, he was literally late for his own funeral. We were all there waiting. No casket. They wheeled him in a few minutes late and quickly unfurled the American flag that was supposed to be covering the coffin. He would have laughed…
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Hello Joy, yes humour always sneaks in, look out for more! My friend once went to the wrong church for her uncle’s funeral!
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