Sundown seemed to come early, but it turned out I was actually dead, which came as a bit of a surprise. It was a pretty sky, but not as dramatic as one might expect for one’s last sunset.

The sky faded away imperceptibly and I was left standing, standing where? A station concourse with many other figures standing around looking confused. Nobody spoke and we all avoided looking at each other, so we were left staring at the multitude of signs, like the London Underground only more confusing. Which direction to choose? I naturally edged towards those in English, or rather those that included English amongst other languages.

CHRISTIAN

So we/they were right all along? No hang on Muslim, Hindu, Atheists… they were in for a surprise… Jews, Agnostics, Jainism…

I decided Christian might be the logical choice, but as I stepped forward three more signs came up… Catholic, Orthodox, Protestant… surely earthly divisions didn’t continue in the higher realms? I decided it would have to be Protestant and when Church of England and nonconformist signs lit up, C of E seemed the sensible choice, though I should really have gone with agnostic.

A guide floated into view and called Christine Brown. I nodded, I couldn’t seem to find my voice.

‘Year of birth? We have several Christine Browns.’

That was hopeful, perhaps there had been a mistake and I was not dead yet, after all I was in good health.

‘1963‘

‘No, you’re not on the list.’

‘Phew, I knew there must have been a mistake, you mean I’m not dead?’

‘No you are dead, just not allocated here.’

‘But I was Christened, named after the Good Lord himself and I’m English, it’s our established faith, you have to let me in.’

‘That’s as maybe, but it’s not a faith you adhere to.’

‘But I went to Sunday School, I was in Pathfinders and I’m always at the church, well I meet my friends in the Refectory Tearooms.’

‘But you don’t actually enter the church.’

‘I was at the free lunchtime organ concert only last week.’

‘The last time you attended a service of worship was at your cousin’s wedding thirty years ago.’

‘And that was the last time she set foot in a church!’

I laughed at my own joke, but the higher being did not have a sense of humour.

‘Even then your mind was not on God, during the prayers you were more interested in what everyone was wearing.’

I suddenly felt chilled to my core, this wasn’t a dream, this was real, how did this being know so much about me? Perhaps I should have been more humble.

‘Please forgive me, I did not mean to be rude, it’s just a shock, being dead. Could you please tell me where I should go.’

‘I cannot tell you, that is for you to decide, you have had sixty one years to think about your soul. Everyone here sees only what they understand.’

‘But I don’t und…’

I was alone, he had faded away and as I spun round in confusion I saw more signs. GAIA, thank goodness, that was where I belonged.

‘Welcome,’ said a gentle voice ‘have you got your visa?’

‘I am pretty sure I belong here, I am environmentally friendly, I watch David Attenborough, I’ve rewilded my garden and built an insect hotel and a hedgehog door. I do feel closer to God in the garden.’

‘What about the bees and flies that die every day shut in your hot conservatory?’

‘I try to catch them, I can’t stop them coming in… and I never kill spiders or even ants… I’m not sure what more I could have done.’

I felt a wave of warmth.

‘Don’t worry my dear, you have just done the best thing ever for wild life on earth.’

‘Oh, thank goodness, what did I do?’

 ‘You died.’

‘Little me gone can’t make much difference…’

‘No, but we have just cleared sector 5321 of all humans so those creatures you profess to cherish will thrive.’