What’s the body count now?

476

That’s dreadful.

That is over a decade…

But a tiny harbourside seaside town would surely only expect to have one or two murders in a decade?

I agree, in fact the tiny seaside town where we film has had no real murders in the past decade.

Precisely.

But that’s because they have had no crime at all since we started filming; the locals are paranoid they might be accidentally filmed dropping litter or parking on a double yellow line, let alone burglary or murder.

I may be going out on a limb here, but how about for the next series we don’t have any murders?

What would we have for a story line? How would we compete with Scandi Noir and cold cases in hot Australian country towns?

Gentle stories about real life, fishing trips and trips to the food bank, battles to keep the village school open.

That sounds boring, viewers expect some deaths.

 I have a brainwave. Deaths that appear to be murder, but turn out to be natural causes. Woman found poisoned, new police constable notes her flat is filled with plants and recalls how his aunt always uses fresh water for her tea and waters her plants with the old water in the kettle. He ponders what if one or more of the plants is poisonous, the kettle touches the leaves and the poison is transferred to her tea, perhaps gradual build up. CID take no notice of him and this is where the drama comes in. He has to go out on a limb, photographing every plant, Googling them…

They, could be a female officer.

Okay, they, even though its only one officer…they get in touch with Kew Gardens and persuade them to send an expert who discovers a rare South American jungle plant next to the television set.

Or in the bathroom, it would like steamy conditions. But is that going to take six episodes?

Rich old lady found at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck, who pushed her? My mother says most accidents on stairs are caused by remembering you have forgotten something and turning suddenly, half way up or down.

Hm, at least that’s quite violent.

Young farmer found with throat slashed in the barn; turns out he tripped over a free range hen and in a freak accident the abattoir knife they use to dispatch the outdoor reared pigs for their farm shop, slashes his throat. No cctv, everyone is blamed and the family torn apart, before a clever pathologist on holiday proves the truth.

Which was difficult because the pigs had already half eaten him…

No, No we don’t want too much gore.

Sorry, sorry, this is not going to work, especially as the BBC wants to axe us, production costs too high.

We can’t stop, it would ruin lives. Half the cast have bought holiday homes, or moved there permanently, got pigs and chickens and boats. And the locals would be devastated, they depend on our six months filming for business.

Hang on, I thought we had ruined their lives, causing property prices to rocket with everyone wanting to live there or have holiday homes. No chance for the young locals.

That’s why we pay the mortgages and rent for half the villagers, we need them as realistic extras.

No wonder production costs are so high, but it would cause an outcry. The public are looking forward to series eleven and the 2024 Christmas Special. We need to think of a really good plot, spy submarine in the harbour sinks a fishing boat with three generations on board…

It is only a tiny harbour… but perhaps further out at sea and then the submarine fires torpedoes at the lifeboat… yes, I think we can do it.

And for today’s cheerful tune, wouldn’t all writers like to write this fast?