Catch up with what is happening where you are or aren’t…
Which of these will steal your lunch?
Is this the smallest waiting room in the country?
New report on the dark side of toy rabbit life.
DIY ideas
Increasing numbers of home owners are putting their houses in light bulbs.
Enjoy a sunny trip to the seaside
But make sure you obey all the rules
A support group has been started for readers who never manage to complete the weekend puzzles in their favourite newspaper.The founder of the group said ‘People don’t realise what a devastating effect this is having on lives.‘
Where do you like to shop? Why not visit the popular Vintage Quarter?
Or follow Doctor Who to his favourite shopping location.
How has your week been? Have you been anywhere interesting?
‘Have you found a job yet Joel? You’re not going to lounge around this house till university starts.’
‘Nothing wrong with winding down and actually I am going for a job interview this afternoon down at the sea front.’
‘Good… lifesaver, beach warden or are you going to serve at that new Sandbourne Seafront Diner?’
‘Nope, going on the big wheel.’
‘But you hate heights!’
‘I don’t have to go on it, just sit in the box taking the money.’
‘Was that the best job you could find?’
‘Yup.’
Joel was successful at the job interview, especially as no one else had applied and he was enjoying his first day. He soon discovered he had a good way with the customers, or passengers as they were supposed to call them. Kev was impressed with the steady flow of people lining up to be inserted safely by him into the Flying Pods. Joel had a reassuring manner.
You tell your Gran there’s nothing to be scared of, all the grannies go up and love the view out to sea.
No, your Dad was kidding when he said you have to climb up that high ladder to get on. You just have to wait for an empty pod to come round to the platform.
Of course it is safe, did you ever hear of a big wheel toppling over?
I assure you it never gets stuck, it’s never come to a halt all the time I’ve been working here.
The morning went quickly, but then Joel noticed his orderly queue had come to a halt and a small crowd was gathering and looking up. At that moment Kev came rushing to Joel’s box.
‘Don’t sell any more tickets just now, bit of a hold up.’
‘All the pods full?’
‘Yes unfortunately, the wheel’s stuck.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Stuck as in won’t go round.’
Joel thought of the nervous aunties and scared little kids he had urged on board, knowing he would never go in a pod himself.
‘So what happens next?’
‘Axel sorts it out.’
‘Where is he then?’
‘Away on a safety course in Wales.’
‘Do you know what to do?’
‘No, I only do the buttons on the ground, I’m not allowed up the ladder as I get vertigo.’
Joel thought of his science A levels and the mechanical engineering course awaiting him at Cambridge University, somehow that did not seem as if it would help this situation.
‘So we call the fire brigade then.’
‘NO… boss would kill us, we don’t want to lose our licence.’
‘Where is the boss?’
‘Goodness knows, I think he was on a bender last night. Anyway, I think I remember what Axel does, he takes a heavy spanner to the top of the wheel, it’s always at the top that a pod gets jammed. Axel is very set on safety, so you must clip the safety harness on to each rung as you go up.’
‘I can’t go up!’
‘Well there’s no one else.’
‘I thought Joel would have been home by now… what did you say John… local news… hang on I’m coming… Oh goodness, Coastguard helicopter hovering over the wheel and all those fire engines and it looks like someone’s stuck on the outside. Good thing our Joel only works in the ticket box. He’ll be sorry to have missed all that excitement if he was already on his way home.’
Live coverage from my house, all you need to know about the general election.
Who were the other candidates? How boring would elections be if we didn’t have those from minority parties willing to stand… Nick the Incredible Flying Brick, The Official Monster Raving Loony Party, 162 votes and the other strong contender Bobby “Elmo” Smith, Independent, 19 votes.
Other candidates had fun along the campaign trail…
But a more traditionally dressed chap is going to be the new Prime Minister.
Elections are strange things. The only certainty being that new governments rarely keep all their election promises. Hopefully a good outcome, but there were people who got in that we certainly don’t want and some MPS who did not deserve to lose their seats, let down by others in their party. If results were analysed how would you measure success if you were elected?. How many people actually turned up to vote and how many voted for you in desperation to keep someone else out?
Our polling stations have just closed and a long night lies ahead for some. At my polling station the chap checking our photo ID greeted me theatrically with ‘Welcome to the brightest spot in BCP ( the very unoriginal name of our combined councils ). A dull church hall! Then he said ‘Do you like quizzes.‘ Yes I do. ‘Just one question, what is your name?‘ Luckily I passed.
Out and about all day, passing polling stations that weren’t mine, I did see a steady trickle of people heading to vote. On the news they are not allowed to mention politics so instead they kept showing pictures of dogs tied up outside polling stations. Someone on Facebook complained that dogs were not allowed in. One of my earliest memories is of standing outside a polling station in the dark with a tall policeman, the traditional Bobby with a helmet, while my parents went inside. My daughter took her boys with her to vote at 7am and they were allowed in, though probably not allowed to draw pictures on the ballot paper.
Coverage of the count has started on television, how to fill in the long hours waiting for the first count to come in? Lots of intense discussion about what happened last time and what may or may not happen this time. Excitement builds as we start seeing candidates on the stage setting their faces for the right expression when the numbers of votes are read out… Count Binface, Sensible Party 6023 votes, Janet Gogerty, Tidalscribe party 23 votes…
Will you be staying up to follow the results?
If you don’t live in the United Kingdom are you interested?
Sundown seemed to come early, but it turned out I was actually dead, which came as a bit of a surprise. It was a pretty sky, but not as dramatic as one might expect for one’s last sunset.
The sky faded away imperceptibly and I was left standing, standing where? A station concourse with many other figures standing around looking confused. Nobody spoke and we all avoided looking at each other, so we were left staring at the multitude of signs, like the London Underground only more confusing. Which direction to choose? I naturally edged towards those in English, or rather those that included English amongst other languages.
CHRISTIAN
So we/they were right all along? No hang on Muslim, Hindu, Atheists… they were in for a surprise… Jews, Agnostics, Jainism…
I decided Christian might be the logical choice, but as I stepped forward three more signs came up… Catholic, Orthodox, Protestant… surely earthly divisions didn’t continue in the higher realms? I decided it would have to be Protestant and when Church of England and nonconformist signs lit up, C of E seemed the sensible choice, though I should really have gone with agnostic.
A guide floated into view and called Christine Brown. I nodded, I couldn’t seem to find my voice.
‘Year of birth? We have several Christine Browns.’
That was hopeful, perhaps there had been a mistake and I was not dead yet, after all I was in good health.
‘1963‘
‘No, you’re not on the list.’
‘Phew, I knew there must have been a mistake, you mean I’m not dead?’
‘No you are dead, just not allocated here.’
‘But I was Christened, named after the Good Lord himself and I’m English, it’s our established faith, you have to let me in.’
‘That’s as maybe, but it’s not a faith you adhere to.’
‘But I went to Sunday School, I was in Pathfinders and I’m always at the church, well I meet my friends in the Refectory Tearooms.’
‘But you don’t actually enter the church.’
‘I was at the free lunchtime organ concert only last week.’
‘The last time you attended a service of worship was at your cousin’s wedding thirty years ago.’
‘And that was the last time she set foot in a church!’
I laughed at my own joke, but the higher being did not have a sense of humour.
‘Even then your mind was not on God, during the prayers you were more interested in what everyone was wearing.’
I suddenly felt chilled to my core, this wasn’t a dream, this was real, how did this being know so much about me? Perhaps I should have been more humble.
‘Please forgive me, I did not mean to be rude, it’s just a shock, being dead. Could you please tell me where I should go.’
‘I cannot tell you, that is for you to decide, you have had sixty one years to think about your soul. Everyone here sees only what they understand.’
‘But I don’t und…’
I was alone, he had faded away and as I spun round in confusion I saw more signs. GAIA, thank goodness, that was where I belonged.
‘Welcome,’ said a gentle voice ‘have you got your visa?’
‘I am pretty sure I belong here, I am environmentally friendly, I watch David Attenborough, I’ve rewilded my garden and built an insect hotel and a hedgehog door. I do feel closer to God in the garden.’
‘What about the bees and flies that die every day shut in your hot conservatory?’
‘I try to catch them, I can’t stop them coming in… and I never kill spiders or even ants… I’m not sure what more I could have done.’
I felt a wave of warmth.
‘Don’t worry my dear, you have just done the best thing ever for wild life on earth.’
‘Oh, thank goodness, what did I do?’
‘You died.’
‘Little me gone can’t make much difference…’
‘No, but we have just cleared sector 5321 of all humans so those creatures you profess to cherish will thrive.’
Rory never tired of asking the same questions to delay bed time.
‘The adoption society said to us
Well Mr and Mrs Asimov, you will be pleased to hear you have been selected for the special programme. You should be welcoming a new family member very shortly. We have several potential sons who will thrive in your family. The next step is to visit Future Family Foundation on our open day next week.‘
‘Were you excited Mummy, was Daddy excited?’
‘We certainly were, but nervous as we did not know what the place would be like. But as soon as we walked in the door you came rolling up to us and said ‘Hello Mummy and Daddy’ and our hearts melted.’
‘But hearts can’t melt, if they did you wouldn’t work anymore.’
‘That’s just a saying Darling. We did not bother to meet the others, we just asked if we could have you.’
‘Did you take me home then?’
‘No, we had to have some sessions with your foster parents, getting to know you, do you remember that?’
’No, I just remember being in this house.’
‘Now it really is bed time, it’s getting late.’
‘Are you glad you got me.’
‘Of course, you made our family complete.’
‘Do you love me more than Chloe and Eliza?’
‘We love you all the same. Now, it’s time to say goodnight.’
‘Are you and Daddy going to die one day?’
‘Yes, but not for a long long time.’
‘Are Chloe and Eliza going to die one day?’
‘Yes, but not for an even longer time.’
‘Am I going to die one day?’
‘No Darling, you’re special.’
‘But who will look after me if you die?’
‘Chloe and Eliza and one day their husbands and their children, but you don’t need to think about that for years and years, now its time you were plugged in.’
‘Mummyyy… Chloe said she and Eliza are going to switch me off when you are dead.’
When I was a child, spam was a food product that I did not like, a moulded block of pink meat extricated from a tin with a key and a good chance of lacerating fingers. Our relationship with digital SPAM is probably very similar.
A folder was, for many centuries, a sturdy cardboard stationery item for keeping collecting endless sheets of paper and it still is Chez Tidalscribe.
Put together meat and cardboard and you have a Spam Folder. In my first forays into life on line I wondered what it was and why people were told to check them. It was a long time before I even knew we had spam folders on WordPress. Reading spam comments usually explains why WordPress has blocked them from arriving at our precious blogs, though sometimes the intelligent and welcome comments of real bloggers wash up there.
Who are the strange beings that send these weird comments and why. AI creations that have escaped? But what if they are real human beings reaching out to engage with us? Should we respond? What would we say. Here are some I replied to…
‘Going shopping with my girlfriend, I feel very bored. I usually read this blog so I don’t get bored.’
A lot of people will sympathise with your shopping experience, I’m so glad my blog prevented boredom instead of causing it.
‘when me adn may friend go to bali me look so many things there are cute and i not forget to read your good blog everyday thankyo’
Thanks indeed, I expect all my followers to read my blogs every day, however fantastic their holiday.
‘I have a boyfriend who likes reading blogs, I see he often reads this blog, but he is no longer there, I was curious about what was on this blog, it turns out there is a lot of knowledge that I can get.’
Yes my blog is so good it can even make boyfriends disappear.
‘When I came home from watching the concert I couldn’t sleep, I read an article on this website, I fell asleep and woke up with meaningful inspiration thanks to reading this blog.’
Yes reading my website makes most readers fall asleep.
‘2 days ago I decided to go to Vietnam, I got drunk and met a girl from there, when we were both in the room, I suddenly got bored, I read this blog, I got a lot of inspiration‘
I hope you were inspired to avoid alcohol on holiday.
Yesterday I went to China, waiting for my plane to depart, I took the time to read this blog, this will be very useful for many people who read it.
My blog is especially useful for passengers who have long delays at airports.
My friends and I always visit museums with various classy monuments which are very beautiful. I see them all on your very good blog.
Thanks, I have endeavoured to fill my blogs with monuments from all round the world.
Every day I always have breakfast before going to school, but when I eat I feel like something is missing, that’s when I visit this blog to accompany me while eating so that I feel comfortable.
I am impressed that you start your school day in the perfect way.
What are your favourite comments in your spam folder?
Times and Tides of a Beachwriter 