Silly Saturday – No News

Here are the news headlines.

At the international summit of newscasters it was unanimously decided to cease broadcasting news. This was in response to research that shows a constant diet of disasters and war has a detrimental effect on the mental health of individuals and the population as a whole. Experts also believe that constant attention to the behaviour of the worst world leaders and the narcissism of celebrities only encourages them.

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And in other news…
Cleaners were called to aisle nine at a Sainsbury’s supermarket after an incident involving a customer and a large jar of pickled beetroot. Broken glass was found at the scene, but no injuries were reported.

A family of five were left to survive on pot noodles when their planed meal ended in disaster. Mrs. Smith was quoted as saying ‘The butter was already melting in the frying pan for the omelette when I suddenly realised I had forgotten to buy the eggs.’

A man was left penniless when his local cash machine would not dispense any money. He was forced to walk two hundred yards up the high street to the next machine.

Residents were evacuated safely from a two storey block of flats when a fire alarm was accidentally set off.

 

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A passenger revealed the details of her nightmare journey when roadworks caused a traffic diversion. ‘I would have caught the number fifteen if I had known, I don’t usually get the number fifteen because it goes all round that estate where my sister used to live, though I used to get it when she did live there. Anyway, I got on the number fourteen outside Boots and low and behold I thought why are we turning here? I’m going to be late for the dentist… I started going to him in town as the ones round the corner were useless when I needed my root canal done. Five minutes late I was, though I needn’t have worried as the chap before me took extra time…

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Work has been delayed yet again on a pensioner’s shed after his drill bit broke. Staff at his local B&Q saved the day by showing him to aisle 17b where he found the correct size.

The search continues for a five year old missing since Boxing Day. The white and tabby cat named Tibbles was last seen under the Christmas tree. His owner, who asked not to be named, said he had never gone missing before and blames herself for being away from her computer. ‘He usually drapes himself over the keyboard as soon as I sit down at my desk.’

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Record numbers of shoppers did not attend the Boxing Day sales.

An unknown author was unable to post her blog as her new computer said ‘NO’. Returning from the Christmas break she switched it on, only to read constant messages saying it was updating and restarting.

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Silly Saturday Stumped

If something can go wrong it will, especially for some of us and you know who you are…

Things didn’t work long before computers came into our homes. The stapler runs out of staples with only one more bundle of papers to go and the new strip of staples will jam as soon as you press down the heel of your hand.

We had a family heirloom hand sewing machine Jones, as supplied to Her Majesty Queen Alexandra. Whether the wife of Edward VII used her sewing machine I have no idea; but ours was old and loyal, blessed with a few simple operations. I turned the handle and the needle sped up and down stitching clothes for my doll; but if the spool ran out or the threads jammed I was instantly infuriated with the machine and my father was the only one who could sort it. When we started sewing lessons at senior school we were confronted with treadles and electric machines. I never mastered the treadle action, let alone the sewing part of the procedure. I would pretend to be busy until an electric machine was available. I have sewn many things since, if my electric machine is running smoothly I can make anything (as long as it doesn’t involve button holes or fancy stitches), but if the fabric puckers or binds itself to the machine I am completely stumped.

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If asked to be the first to arrive and open up a meeting place I know for sure the key will not fit, or the door will remain shut tight. Pull, push, jiggle a half turn, but entry will only be gained when other people start to turn up and try for themselves, the door swinging open readily. Things are no better if there is a code to unlock the door. Did you remember the numbers, in the correct order, turn the knob the right way, or rather to the left not the right… the only way to conquer that door is to sneak up on it when it is not looking.

Perhaps I am not the only one for whom thing go wrong. A long queue forms at the one open till with a human; the other assistants are busy trying to direct reluctant shoppers to the scan your own machines or helping them when that robotic voice says Item not recognised, unbagged item…. Computers in various forms are unavoidable.

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For a long time I had no reason to be involved with computers, but writing and social media sucked me in to this love hate relationship. Unlike staplers and sewing machines computers are sentient beings; they know when you need to send an urgent e-mail, post your blog or print an important document.

The digital world of scanners and printers was preceded in the work place by photocopiers and before that machines such as The Gestetner. I dreaded being left alone with this mystery of rolling drums, scent of chemicals and ink which printed too faintly or leaked in the wrong places. But it was still mechanical and not totally beyond comprehension.

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Computers lull you into a false sense of security, The World at your finger tips, documents easily altered, unlike the bad old days of typewriters. Then things start to go wrong. You log into Facebook, but instead of pictures of your friends and cute kittens there are only blank squares waiting to be filled in while the tiny blue circle goes round and round…. You sign into your e-mail account and see you have sixty messages, but it won’t let you into your In Box. The lay person has no idea if the problem lies with their mouse, their computer, a real rodent gnawing at the Virgin cable, or if the World Wide Web has been switched off by – let’s not blame any particular country.

It’s all magic to us. My response to these first world problems is irrational rage if I’m on my own or to yell for Cyberspouse. He does not believe that the computer bears personal malevolence towards me and remains calm in a crisis, usually solving the problem by clicking on a button I didn’t know existed.

What do you do when things go wrong, or do things always work for you?

sunshine-blogger

 

Silly Saturday on Sunday – Supermarket Slash

Do you envy your mother or grandmother who just had to plan what to have for dinner that would be nourishing for her family? In that mythical time people talk about on Facebook – ‘I’m glad I grew up in the fifties, forties, thirties, 1890s etc.’ When everybody was happy and knew what they were having for dinner; roast on Sunday and the other six days a regular weekly roster that surely included a hearty stew and bangers and mash. We still have to eat, but the happiness of our families is the least of our worries.

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Do you dare to take part in Supermarket Slash? It’s the same as Supermarket Dash only you have to put as little as possible in your trolley.

First Stop meat aisle. If you are a vegetarian go straight to the next aisle.

If you are a carnivore have you got a good reason to be one?

FOR: We know humans are omnivorous and can eat anything, that is why they live all over the world and over the millennia have tried every diet going from blood to berries.

AGAINST: In a recent documentary viewers were shocked to discover that meat actually comes from killed animals; one person’s pet is another person’s dinner.

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Still going down the meat aisle? Is that chicken free range, was that pig outdoor reared before he was chopped. You have found a nice free range chicken and some Scottish beef, but how is it wrapped? Can that packaging be recycled?

Take your empty trolley and catch up with the vegetarians on the dairy aisle. Feel smug because scientists told us we were misinformed for decades about margarine – it’s bad, natural is better. But is that milk organic, does it come in a plastic bottle? Cheese omelette for dinner, but what about the hens, were they battery operated?

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Catch up with the vegans in grains and pulses aisle. Can’t go wrong here, or can you? How much precious water does it take to grow rice? Go straight to tofu, but how many acres of lush dairy pasture or verdant forest have to be ploughed up to grow enough tofu? Jams and spreads, what could go wrong here, a peanut butter sandwich would be filling, but read the ingredients – palm oil is OUT, put the jar back and search for 100% peanuts.

How many items do you have in your trolley, don’t go to the checkout yet, have you scrutinised the ingredients on every packet and tin for hidden sugar and dodgy additives?

If you have anything left there is one more consideration. How did all the food get to the supermarket? In big diesel guzzling trucks…

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You are out of the game, go home and start all over again. Follow the recent advice from the Chief Medical Officer on combating childhood obesity; eat only that which you have killed or grown yourself; in certain circumstances it is acceptable to pick up road kill. If going out hunting is not really your scene you could rescue some chickens from a battery farm; you would still have to kill them when their laying days were over, but it will not be so hard to catch them.

Let us know how you get on.

Silly Saturday – Boring Blog

Lots of bloggers at this time of year, especially those enjoying summer in the northern hemisphere, are having a blogging break while they are on holiday or finishing their novel. This is an excellent idea if you are popular enough to carry it off; no one will forget you and will be all the more pleased to see you when you return. It is also good news for their followers; there are too many good blogs and not enough hours in the day to read them, so a break is needed.

Other bloggers might worry that everyone will have forgotten them by the time they post again… don’t worry, nobody noticed you had disappeared in the first place.

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There is an alternative for bloggers who can’t bring themselves to have a couple of weeks off; write blogs that are so boring nobody will want to read them anyway, so your readers will have a rest. But what is the most boring thing you could write about?

Perhaps shopping; how inane is shopping compared to all the dramas in the world? If you are lucky you might have a lively street market on your doorstep, or local shops where you will meet real people, pop in the library and idle in a coffee shop.

But the dreariest way to fill a couple of hours is to do a weekly shop or big stock up with your other half at a Superstore. As you arrive at the car park you reach the nadir of your relationship. If it’s a quiet day the driver ( let’s call him a husband for convenience ) will drive all round the car park, ignoring swathes of empty spaces in favour of nearly knocking over harassed mothers or elderly persons pushing their trolleys. He will then hold up other drivers trying to leave as he manoeuvres into a tight space. All this time you are berating him for not parking in the line of empty spaces where you came in. If the car park is full you will crawl round in a queue of drivers admitting defeat and trying to get out, or hoping they can sneak into a space when a shopper leaves. This is the nadir of first world life, the invention of the internal combustion engine was for this?

Inside the store you are confronted with twenty different varieties of everything and yet you cannot find your favourite Taste The Difference Chunky Fish Fingers or Sea Breeze flavoured floor cleaner. As you plod round the aisles children are whining and couples are having the dullest conversation – what shall we have for dinner.

Finally at the till, some of us have invented a packing procedure so complex we are filled with incandescent rage if anyone else interferes; this is what your life has come to. On the till may be a person so bored and boring you lose the will to live. Or you are greeted enthusiastically by an assistant desperately trying not to be replaced by modern technology.

‘Hello, how are you today?’

Do they want a list of your ailments? They quickly start scanning before you can answer. But when they finally announce the total money due they utter those words you dread.

‘Doing anything interesting at the weekend?’

Your life is exposed in all its nihilistic bleakness…

Have you taken a blogging break or decided you need one after reading this?

sunshine-blogger

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Flash Fiction – 390 – Customers

The shop was so quiet I wondered if I had made a mistake moving to a market town. I didn’t mind the minimum wage, there was nothing to spend money on around here, but it was the boredom I couldn’t take.

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Suddenly a loud voice bellowed from the aisle, but it was just a son taking his deaf elderly mother shopping. The only other customers were on the other side of the shop, a screaming toddler strapped in a buggy pushed by her great granny, or perhaps a great great granny. The little old lady was trying to reach the disposable nappies on the top shelf. I could not leave the till and the other staff were in the stock room coping with the delivery.

And then he walked in. Tall and broad shouldered with burnished copper curly hair. He stared at me with a supercilious expression then wandered down the centre aisle, his shoulder brushing against a stack of toilet rolls, sending them to the floor. He turned into the next aisle and the mother and son moved aside for him. No one spoke. As he walked, a tower of tins came crashing down. I pressed the help button, without much hope of help coming.

As he walked back towards me the look in his eyes had turned to anger. I could not move out of his way and I was sure he intended to stab me.

At last the silence was broken as a new customer came in.

‘There’s a bull in the shop!’

The eye level horns veered away from me and he trotted down the third aisle. His head swayed and the tip of his horn caught the disposable nappies, a large packet dropped into the grateful arms of the great granny. The toddler stopped crying and called out excitedly ‘Doggy’.

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My finger was still pressed on the help button, but it seemed my colleagues had decided to stay locked in the store room.

Now through the door came a hunky young man with ruddy cheeks, chestnut wavy hair and a beard to match. He strode forward whistling, a hefty rope strung over his shoulder.

‘Come on Birtie, you’ve spent all your pocket money.’

Bertie did a three point turn, demolishing all the shelves. Then he lowered his head and charged towards his fleeing master.

 

 

 

 

 

Friday Flash Fiction – Pudsey Bear Goes Missing

Despite his mother’s misgivings, Oscar enjoyed his new nursery. He was nearly three, very bright and very lively. The nursery teacher had assured Oscar’s mother that ‘Busy Bees Nursery’ had a very active programme and his energies would be directed.

‘We don’t keep them cooped up, we go for a walk every day.’

His mother had been alarmed.

‘You do keep them safe? We never take him out without his reins.’

‘I’m sure you have seen us out in the high street, no more than four children per helper, double reins; we certainly don’t want to lose anybody.

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As Christine reached the post office counter, she noticed the sign.

‘Pocket Calendar, ten pence for Children in Need.’

After the ordeal of trying to post a parcel overseas, with Mrs Grumpy behind the window, she thought she would earn a few brownie points.

‘…and a calendar please.’

‘Ten pence in the bucket’ came the terse reply.

The calendar would not be released until she moved along the counter to the bucket. Already holding up the queue, she fumbled in her purse. It was a good cause, so she emptied all her small change with a satisfying clatter into the empty bucket; then collected the flimsy piece of card with dates much too small to read.

Ten minutes later, staggering out of the greengrocers, she saw a couple of women struggling in the wind to tie up their banner.

‘Children in Need Cake Sale.’

Good idea,  that would save her baking before her sister came round for tea tomorrow. If she donated here as well, she could, with a clear conscience, keep the television turned off all night and avoid those irritating celebrities with their grand totals.

 

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Busy Bees Nursery was humming with activity; six children were to be chosen to go and help at the cake stall. Dressing up was involved and one child must don the yellow fur suit. Oscar was chosen for his outgoing personality.

‘Remember to hold his hand as we can’t get the reins on over his outfit’ were the teacher’s last words to her young assistants.

 

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As Christine chose her cakes, a posse arrived, two young women and six strangely attired little children, firmly attached to reins and adult hands. The little ones gathered behind the wooden trestle table.

‘Would you like to guess the weight of Pudsey Bear?’ asked one of the cake ladies.

Christine looked around for a teddy, then her attention was drawn to a sweet little boy in a yellow furry suit. The other children were eyeing up the cakes and one of the young ladies was trying to take photographs.

‘Shall I still hold on to them?’ asked the other girl.

‘I should certainly hope so’ Christine replied, uninvited.

Cake lady produced a flimsy sheet of paper that flapped in the wind.

‘Just put your name and phone number and the weight.’ She turned to her friend. ‘Are we doing Imperial or metric?’

‘You should have a clip board’ said Christina as she deliberated. ‘How old is he?’

She wrote down three stone and set off for the butchers. When she emerged, laden down with shopping, she caught a glimpse of yellow out of the corner of her eye. It was Pudsey Bear, about to walk into the road. She had no free hands to grab him and looked around for his companions. There was no one else in sight. She put two bags down and tried to locate a hand inside his suit, hoping no one thought she was a kidnapper. If she edged him back towards the cake stall, she was sure to meet a search party. The child’s hands had disappeared back inside the suit and the best she could do was place herself between Pudsey and the road.

‘Anyone seen the nursery outing?’ she asked passers by, but they just smiled and said how sweet her grandson was.

The cake stall had gone, only an empty trestle table remained. Even if Christine had any hands free to dial her mobile, she had left it at home. Lost children should go to a police station, but that was miles away. Pudsey was bouncing around in excitement at his adventure, at any moment he could bolt. She herded him into the newsagents, they could phone the police. The lone man was busy serving. Christine tried to get his attention and block the doorway at the same time. Finally he looked up.

‘One pound twenty five, thankyou.’

She looked down to see Pudsey had found his hands and was holding packets of sweets and crisps.

‘No, you don’t understand, he’s not mine, we have to ring the police.’

At that very moment, two policemen swept into the shop. One talked into his radio.

‘Can you confirm description; white male, three foot tall, wearing a yellow furry suit.’

The other officer thanked the shopkeeper for looking after Oscar. Christine slipped out of the shop; perhaps it was better to be a guardian angel than be arrested. Though if the shop had CCTV, that could be a problem.

 

 

 

 

Friday Flash Fiction 500 – Biodegradable

Cauldrons bubbled, paddles stirred, pumps rose and fell. The dye selector scurried along seeking indigo and sunflower to make that special shade of green for Familyfresh.

Malcolm Rust loved machinery and money, in that order. Childhood visits to industrial museums had given him a love of pistons and presses. The only history he was interested in at school was of Victorian valleys filled with furnaces and engineering entrepreneurs making a mint, so they could build great houses on top of hills looking down on their wealth. His weekends as a teenager had been spent scouring the country for redundant factory equipment and thinking of money making projects to fund his hobby.

He had no interest in the environment, except as the provider of water courses to power mills, until he met Melissa. She worked with his mother at the new Veganarium that had replaced the cheese and bacon shop. His mother needed a job, but for Melisa it was her whole way of life.

As far as Malcolm was concerned food was fuel, the same as coal, wood and diesel for his beloved machines. But as Melissa chattered on about recipes for allergen free biscuits and biodegradable wrappers, he thought he might find a way to her heart. Why not make the biscuits and packets with the same recipe? It was time to investigate corn starch and fructose.

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Now he was no longer Mr Rust, but Mr Green, inventor of the edible carrier bag and three days ago Melissa had become Mrs. Green. Channel Four was making a documentary about their plans for a perfect Ecohouse with living walls.

But no sooner had the carrier bags become familiar in every supermarket than the first criticisms began to appear on social media. Members of the public no longer had to feel guilty about plastic or litter; discarded sweet wrappers, takeaway boxes and shopping bags would all be eaten by wildlife, from snails to deer. In fact the carrier bags were so delicious, passing dogs were liable to take a bite out of your shopping.

Then came the first news story from the Familyfresh Fairtrade supermarket. Overnight, all the bundles of new carrier bags had disappeared from the store room. The first clue to the mystery came when three large rats scampered across the feet of the store manager. He ran out into the main store, only to see several more rats slip away from the checkouts. The second clue was the remnant of a carrier bag hanging limply, serrated with huge teeth marks.

A meeting of COBRA * was called after pest exterminators made urgent reports of supersized rats, gardeners posted pictures on Facebook of giant snails and a photograph appeared on breakfast television of a fox the size of a deer hound. Malcolm was summoned to reveal the ingredients of his carrier bags…

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*Cobra stands for Cabinet Office briefing room A. Cobra meetings are held in Downing Street to plan government responses in times of emergency.

Silly Saturday – Various Verses

                                              Beach Hut

 

Six years we’ve waited for this wooden box,

With flaking paint and rusty locks.

There’s barely room to stand,

The floor covered in sand.

The towels are damp and musty

And all the shelves are dusty.

 

But the kettle and mugs are well in reach

And there’s a great view of the beach.

In the sun we sit and read books

Waves beckon, costumes hanging on the hooks.

Wet and cold return for hot tea,

Strip off and dress in modesty.

 

The neighbours are close, two inches away,

Her next door is topless today,

His huge stomach should not be seen,

Thank goodness for the screen between.

The other side are out of sight,

Soaring under parachutes bright.

 

Their boards dip the waves, then ride up high,

We sit and watch them in the sky.

If we fall asleep as we usually do

We won’t notice when they drop from view.

Until we hear roaring whir above the wave

As Coastguard hovers, kite surfers to save.

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New Things

 

How to adore new things.

No need to buy, to bring

The sensual delight

Of touch, smell and sight.

 

John Lewis sells to you

Cotton, wool, silk, bamboo

Knitting yarns, skeins and such,

Many hues, soft to touch.

 

Call in at the bookshop,

Look out for new stock,

White paper, page pristine,

Smooth spine, jacket clean.

 

Tack shop for leather new

Saddles, bridles on view,

Shopkeeper hopes to sell;

No, just here for the smell.

 

Go down to the saw mill

Experience the thrill,

Newly sawn scented wood,

Golden sawdust feels good.

 

Ancient ocean, old land,

New waves, new tides, smooth sand,

Grains glitter, sparkling foam,

Before feet start to roam.

 

Sunrise reveals hard frost,

New scenery at no cost,

White landscape, yours to view,

Air sharp, breath anew.

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Skruvstas and Scandi Storage Solutions

Ditch your relatives and join the Ikea Family. Is a visit to Ikea your idea of heaven or hell? I love watching Scandi Noir, solving murders with sub titles, but more interesting than grizzly crimes are the delightful interior decors of the victims’ homes. A day at Ikea is the antidote to Scandi Noir; Swedish Serenity and Baltic Bright.

A day of serenity is not how some people would describe a visit to Ikea; how often have you heard the words ‘We thought we’d never get out’, referring to the shop itself or the traffic queues. But the Ikea devotee might be happy to stay there forever.

For the uninitiated here is a handy guide to your day out. Ikea is celebrating thirty years in Britain, though the company is over seventy years old. Along that time line we have had both frustrations and bargain buys of items we could find nowhere else. When Ikea at Wembley announced they were opening till ten pm on weekday nights I ignored my principle of never going anywhere that involved the North Circular; who else would think of going there late on a Tuesday school night? The whole of Northwest London; we DID think we would never get out.

When Ikea opened in Southampton in 2009, as our new local, I was thrilled. Our first outing did not involve traffic, we took the ferry from Hythe across Southampton Water. This involves walking or taking the little train to the end of the very long Hythe jetty, followed by a short voyage which is ideal for gazing at ocean liners. Once you have landed you cannot miss the large blue and yellow Ikea sign.

Last week we planned to do serious shopping for my new writer’s den so we took the car; congratulating ourselves on getting a place in the ground floor car park. The next stage for all shoppers is to ascend to the top of the building, there are lifts, but it is more fun to take the stairs and moving walkways. The top floor of the car park is an ideal spot for admiring the maritime view and the top heavy ocean liners.

It was half term and busy; the show floor is a fun place for children, a giant dolls’ house with rooms laid out to show how Ikea makes the tiniest flat a real home.  Home with a capital H, ‘staying in is the new going out’. Ikealand is full of happy families, couples and independent singles. If the homeless or lonely come in to escape the cold or the real world it must surely emphasise what they don’t have, perhaps there is Scandi Noir at the heart of Ikea.

But dwelling on the problems of the outside world is not what most customers are doing as they dart in and out of doors and rooms, reading the delightfully obscure Swedish names. Soon it’s time for a break in the huge restaurant, where the famous comfort food, meat balls, gravy and mash is served on an industrial scale; this is also the time to make important decisions. There are queues, but there is a simple solution for those of us who are clumsy or not in possession of two strong arms; trolleys you can put two trays on.

It was after lunch that we touched a screen to see the benefits of being Ikea family members; free tea and coffee, we did not hesitate.

Back in the show rooms grab your order form and start the real work; time spent up in heaven is less time wasted down in the warehouse. Choosing multi coloured inserts for your bright yellow Kallax unit requires concentration. After a free cup of coffee it was time to find the stairs; there are plenty of staff around to tell you how to escape the maze of rooms.

The market on the floor below also goes on for ever; piles of colourful fabric and gadgets you didn’t know you needed, everything from a grundvatnet to a propmatt, or you can assemble a dinner set in plain white.

At last you take more stairs down to the warehouse; if you can read your own writing you should know the exact aisle and location for each item of flat pack.

When we emerged to a glorious sunset we couldn’t find the car. The ground floor we were on was not the same as the ground floor we had driven into. Trundling with trolleys to the lift, then finally to the car, it was a relief when everything fitted in.

If assembling furniture is not your forte, or you went by bike, Ikea will deliver, measure and assemble. If a day at Ikea does not appeal you can go on line, but you will miss all the fun. By the time we got home an email awaited us, welcoming us to the family with a virtual tour of Almhult, home of Ikea. I can’t wait to return and claim my free gift.