The man next door has a notice on his gate,
ALL CATS WHO ENTER, BEWARE YOUR FATE.
For he prefers two legged creatures,
Those with wings and feathers as features.
Four legged creatures who climb, chase and bite
Beware of getting in my neighbour’s sight,
For the man next door is a very good shot,
His eyes are sharp and his fingers hot.
Blue Tits swing on the latest contraption,
Before grey squirrels get into action.
Wood Pigeons plummet, Sparrows flutter,
He presses a button and snaps the shutter.
Doves coo, Crows squawk, Magpies chatter.
Wren in the hedge hears him natter.
Blackbird sings, Robin hops and follows him around,
Worms and grubs aplenty when his fork goes in the ground.
The man next door tied a letter to my gate,
Welcome new neighbour, we surely will be mates,
If my views you share; dogs and cats detest
And make friends with all creatures who build a nest.
Robbie was my true love,
He stole my heart one day.
He came to fix the plumbing,
When I was in dismay.
He said ‘Where is your stop cock?
That’s where we must begin.’
As leaks sprung all around,
My feelings he did win.
It’s location I knew not,
As the kitchen he did roam.
‘May I search your cupboards?’
‘Please make yourself at home.’
His voice was melted chocolate,
I did not mind the flood,
As eyes of startling blue
Stirred something in my blood.
Shall I put the kettle on?
Was all that I could say,
When Robbie the hunky plumber
Stole my heart that day.
He soon was in my cupboard,
Found the valve to turn.
As he knelt upon the floor
My cheeks began to burn.
I caught a glimpse of waistband,
Calvin Klein was what it said.
An inch of sun tanned back
Made my face turn red.
He filed and sawed and screwed,
As he mended all the pipes.
The sweat began to pour
Down his manly big biceps.
We sat out on the patio,
At last his work was done.
Wine and chunky sandwiches
To eat out in the sun.
He called upon his mobile
To cancel his next call.
‘Shall I check your heating,
Then will that be all?’