Nimis Excitatus Imagination

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Are you suffering from the above medical condition?

 See how you score on this test to find out.

1 You visit Specsavers for an eye test and after subjecting your eyeballs to blasts of air, laser beams and snapshots of your retina, the optician says he will take you back downstairs where a staff member will hep you select new frames. He offers to go down the stairs first as your eyes are not back to normal yet. DO YOU SAY

A Thanks

B Oohh… has anyone fallen down the stairs?

C ( to yourself ) Ah ha, flash fiction idea ‘Derek could never have imagined that his first day as an optician would end in the death of one of his customers…

2 You are popping round the corner to the shops. Do you

A Toss your door keys in your pocket and grab your phone to pay with.

B Pack your backpack with the following – water bottle, face mask, full set of door keys, purse with cash in case all the computers are down at the shops, credit and debit cards in case you have to book a hotel overnight ( see comments further on ) … notepad and pen, emergency chocolate rations, Kindle or paperback, smart phone. The latter four items so you will be prepared in case you return to find your road in lockdown, because a mad gunman is holding your neighbour hostage or a gas explosion / helicopter crash has left the whole street flattened.

C Take your back pack as above and stand in the queue at the till ‘writing’ your next novel. ‘Glenda could never have imagined that a quick trip to the shops could turn into a five day siege that would change her life for ever.’

3 You receive a text message from a loved one. Be a bit late, stuck on M25 in dreadful weather. Do you reply

A Okay, I’ll hold back on dinner.

B Oh NO… Keep me updated, but don’t use your phone while you’re driving and stop at the services and wait till the weather’s cleared, but let me know what’s happening. Have U got enough food with U?

C Feel you body fill with dread and picture the news headlines Bank Holiday Motorway horror as family all killed in massive pile up.

4 A police officer / fireman rings your doorbell and simultaneously bangs on your front door. When you open the door he says. ‘No need to panic, but we are evacuating the whole street, NOW. Do you say

A Okay, just a false alarm no doubt, some nervous neighbour thinks they can smell gas ha ha?

B Oh my God, what about the dog, have I got time to grab my handbag…

C Feel a mixture of fear and elation. At last you are participating in real life, some drama to blog about, inspiration for that novel you are trying to start…

Now add up your score. 1 point for answer A. 3 points for answer B and 5 points for answer C.

If you scored 4 you are totally laid back and never suffer from stress.

8-12 points – well done for being prepared and sensible, but be careful not to become obsessed and over anxious.

16-20 points – you are suffering from Nimis Excitatus Imagination or in lay terms, an overactive imagination. There is no cure and it could lead to total insanity or becoming a best selling author.

Verbum Anni

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While others were posting their 22 achievements for 2022 and their 23 goals for 2023 on Facebook, I had got as far as putting the washing machine on. As bloggers wrote about their Word of the Year I was contemplating making chicken stock, checking the washing machine filter and finishing my Christmas cards.

On the writing and blogging front in the early 2020’s I have not had a novel on virtual tour, excitedly revealed my new cover or started a new novel.

If I am going to choose a word of the year perhaps it could be TIDY. Tidying is an unavoidable activity closely linked to cleaning; both are tasks that take us away from more creative pursuits. Whether you are tidying up after Christmas visitors or faced with dusting when you take your cards and decorations down, most of us start the year with tidying of some sort. We might even enjoy the virtuous feeling of getting the year off to a good start and after vacuuming turn to our computer to tidy up our internet banking or our digital lives.

Perhaps one of my aims for 2023, apart from starting a novel, could be to learn Latin. I love the brevity of Latin; Word of the Year replaces four words with two, Verbum Anni. It would take us half the time to write and read blogs if we all wrote them in Latin.

Do you have a word of the year or some worthy aims? Will you trek to Everest Base Camp or tidy your sock drawer?

NOVUS ANNUS

Christmas Do

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This will be the first Christmas Do for Caring Crafters since 2019 so let’s choose something everyone will enjoy. Did you all get my email?

I can’t do Wednesdays I’m playing every Wednesday evening.

So that won’t be a problem if we go for the afternoon tea.

We haven’t settled on that have we?

Out of those that replied to my email three quarters were for the afternoon.

A Christmas Do surely means turkey and crackers, why can’t we go back to The George?

Afternoon tea at The Refectory promises to be lovely and we have to think of Andrew.

…and Ian can’t drive at night with his eyes.

I don’t know if I can get the afternoon off, it’s our busiest time.

And I would have to get someone to pick the children up from school.

Suits me as long as it’s not a Thursday… or a Tuesday and Mondays I have to take Mother for her infusions.

I’m sure Andrew won’t mind if we go to the George, where is he anyway?

Therapist, he sent apologies, he’s doing very well.

Have they got a ramp at The Refectory?

Yes they have nice new toilets and super disabled since we used to meet there. So let’s have a show of hands… raise your hand if you would like to go to the Refectory for afternoon tea…. So that’s twelve For, five Against. Now, I’ll pass round the brochure with the seven different party selections.

£17.99, bloody hell, I know prices have gone up but…

The other selections are cheaper.

Yes, but they haven’t got samosas.

C selection has sausage rolls, will that do you Roger?

We might be able to wangle a discount if enough of us are going.

D £13.99 would suit you Di, looks like it’s vegetarian.

With tuna mayonnaise sandwiches!

So how about New for 22, Vegan Value… ‘cucumber curls with our delicious homemade yeast extract.’

That just means marmite sandwiches, if I’m going to have afternoon tea I want a decent ham doorstep.

‘You can’t expect Tim to come after a morning’s dog walking and survive on a humous finger sandwich.  How many clients have you got now Tim?

More now the winter weather is here, I have to do two rounds in the morning, large and unruly for two hours by the river, then handbag dogs round the park. Anyway, I think we should splash out on the dearest.

Not all of us have a big appetite, I don’t want to pay eighteen pounds for a cup of tea and cheese roll.

Do we have to book at all, can’t we just turn up and choose what we want, put a few tables together and hope they don’t notice?

Oh no, we want the Xmas tablecloths and crackers.

And a quiz.

Hang on, have you looked at the bottom line… groups of more than eight must book Christmas Afternoon Tea at The Refectory by 5th December.

SILLY SATURDAY – NEWSLESS

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Featuring unnewsworthy items that could be happening near you, but probably aren’t.

When banana loving visitors could not come, the obvious thing to do was put them on the local recycling Facebook page. They were snapped up immediately.

Wanted for criminal damage. A flurry of terror and excitement as rogue dog fox digs up lawns. Neighbours have been patching up lawns and fences in a bid to save their grass. Night cameras have been installed to prove his guilt.

…while indoors, home owners fear The Elf has returned.

A supermarket closed its vegetable section for several hours yesterday after a staff member spotted a worrying headline as he read the newspaper during his break. As workers hurriedly cleared shelves he tried to explain that the headline actually said ‘Tornadoes Leave Two Dead’ not ‘Tomatoes Leave Two Dead.’ The manger later explained that once a food contamination alert has been raised the action must be completed and suspect foods cannot be sold until tests have given the all clear.

Chatbot

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My TV box is not working.

I am just a chatbox, I am putting you through to a human agent.

I am sorry we are experiencing delays with agent contacting you, we are experiencing a high level of compl… enquiries.

Do I have time to make a cup of tea?

Thankyou for your patience, an agent will be with you as soon as possible, but there may be a long wait.

Does that mean I have time to go to the toilet?

Thankyou for your patience, our customers are very important to us. So our agent can deal quickly with you can you answer sixteen security questions…What is your account number in roman numerals? How much was your last payment in $US?…

We are sorry to know you are experiencing a fault with your services. i see a clear note by our field technician working on site and they have given us a deadline to complete this. We can see there is a fault in the area causing it. As we making some improvements to our network at the moment, so we can make sure we’re giving you the best service possible. This means that you will be experiencing a loss of your Broadband, Voice and TV service(s) in the area for a short time. Everything should be back to normal today on 24th November 2022 09:00 broadband issue will be resolved completely

Today is 17th November…

 This will be complete fixed on 24th of November and most of the customers in your area are facing the same issue as our technicians are working on a damaged cable in the area and we aim to get this resolved soon, we would appreciate your patience regarding this

If there is work going on in the area, why don’t you email your customers to tell them?

 We’re sorry that you’re still experiencing intermittent problems with your Broadband in the ZX6 7XZ area. I am sorry my colleague must have missed out that. We expect our engineers to have this repaired as soon as possible. The estimated repair time is 24 NOV 2022 09:00 It s not only yours the Entire area is facing the same problem. We are working as hard as we can to fix this, however due to the complexities of the issue it may take for ever…

I’m not having problems with my internet, how do you think I’m talking to you? And I keep telling you the entire area is NOT facing the same problem! Okay, you are probably thinking why does she keep complaining when there are people in the world with far worse problems, after all I could have been flooded out, my house flattened by bombs or swept away in a larva flow, yes I am very lucky to have a roof over my head…

I have also cleared the upstream and downstream channels to make sure you are on the least congested band but we cannot guarantee a stable connection until the outage is fixed. I have also registered you for compensation for loss of services. Your patience ….

I thought it all worked by magic. I hope you know what you are doing…

So you can see the compensation applied on your account once the outage issue is cleared as this is applied by our backend team. I can understand how difficult it is to manage without internet even I have experienced the same from my service provider as well and know how frustrating it is. But I kindly request you to manage using mobile hotspot until then.

But it’s the TV box not my internet…

We take pride to ensure our customer satisfaction unfortunately we have not met your expectations, Upon through review of your conversation we understand that its not what we follow as our values and standards.

I will come back later, I need chocolate.

We are denying to help you, The reason you are facing issues is because of an outage. We are working as hard as we to fix can this, however due to the complexities of the issue its taking us a little longer than normal. Once te outage is completed, service will be resumed and we make sure this is not repeated. Please be rest assured.

Thursday Tiny Tale – Pastoral Care

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‘You’re listening to BBC Radio 4 and on ‘Sunday’ this morning we talk to one of the Church of England’s exorcists, the Reverend Nick De’Vilno. Rev, many people will be surprised to hear the church today still has exorcists.’

‘Actually we call it our deliverance ministry.’

‘Does the Church of England really believe people can be possessed?’

‘We believe some people genuinely believe they are possessed, “deliverance” is part of pastoral care: it is the ministry of liberating, freeing or delivering a person from a burden which they carry.’

‘But do you believe a person could really be possessed by demons or even The Devil himself?’

‘Our Lord talked about casting out demons, but that was the language his listeners would have understood.’

‘So you don’t believe Jesus cast out demons into a herd of swine.’

‘I believe the poor man would have seen his troubled mind eased in a way he could understand.’

‘I understand the Archbishop has given permission for the makers of the popular podcast ‘It Really Happened’ to follow your ministry.’

‘Yes indeed, but if listeners are hoping for sensationalism or to be terrified, they will be sorely disappointed. They will hear about our working together with mental health practitioners to help those in need.’

‘Welcome to this week’s special podcast with me Robbie Danson. I am waiting outside a very ordinary suburban house with the Reverend Nick De’Vilno, an exorcist with the Church of England, or as he prefers, a member of the church’s deliverance ministry. Inside the house is the owner, who we shall call David, as that is his name and with him is a mental health specialist who works in close collaboration with the deliverance ministry. When she comes out she will tell us if it is appropriate for Nick to chat to David.’

‘Just chat at this stage Nick?’

‘Of course, this is essentially a pastoral visit.’

‘Ah, the front door is opening now, a young woman is stepping, no running…

‘Oh God help us, run Robbie, I’m not going back in there again, run, let’s get out of here Vicar… I h..hope you really have ggot God on your side…’

‘Wait, wait calm down dear.’

‘Don’t you****ing tell me to calm down, that poor mmman, it’s going to get him…’

‘Okay, okay, I’ll just pop in and talk to him, see, there he is at the door.’

‘This is Robbie Danson still here, things are really kicking off, the mental health worker has fled and Nick has gone to talk to David… let’s move closer so we can hear.’

‘It’s okay David, what is it you are afraid of…’

‘The television, it was IN the television, like it has been for weeks, nobody believed me, horrible, horrible…’

‘We believe you, are you sure it wasn’t a horror movie, you accidentally knocked the remote control onto another channel. Let’s go inside and check.’

‘I can’t, I can’t get away, but I wwon’t go back in there.’

‘It will be okay, if it’s in the television set it can’t hurt you, look. I’ll go in first…’

‘NOOO you mustn’t … it, it came OUT of the television…’

‘This is the BBC News at Six O’clock, here are the headlines.  A well know podcast has been widely criticised and The Archbishop of Canterbury is to make a statement shortly, after a member of the clergy and a parishioner he was trying to help, were both killed in an horrific unexplained accident.’