REAL OR NOT? ANSWERS AT THE END
Street Art
CHEAP RIDES IF YOU TAKE STANDING ROOM ONLY
African Violet
WHEN YOU OPEN YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT AND THERE ARE TEN MORE BAGS OF BITS… – what will it be, if you can work out the instructions?
Before Ikea
Could you make this?
ANSWERS
How many did you get right?
Catch up with what is happening where you are or aren’t…
Which of these will steal your lunch?
Is this the smallest waiting room in the country?
New report on the dark side of toy rabbit life.
DIY ideas
Increasing numbers of home owners are putting their houses in light bulbs.
Enjoy a sunny trip to the seaside
But make sure you obey all the rules
A support group has been started for readers who never manage to complete the weekend puzzles in their favourite newspaper. The founder of the group said ‘People don’t realise what a devastating effect this is having on lives.‘
Where do you like to shop? Why not visit the popular Vintage Quarter?
Or follow Doctor Who to his favourite shopping location.
How has your week been? Have you been anywhere interesting?
At the international summit of newscasters it was unanimously decided to cease broadcasting news. This was in response to research that shows a constant diet of disasters and war has a detrimental effect on the mental health of individuals and the population as a whole. Experts also believe that constant attention to the behaviour of the worst world leaders and the narcissism of celebrities only encourages them.
And in other news…
Cleaners were called to aisle nine at a Sainsbury’s supermarket after an incident involving a customer and a large jar of pickled beetroot. Broken glass was found at the scene, but no injuries were reported.
A family of five were left to survive on pot noodles when their planed meal ended in disaster. Mrs. Smith was quoted as saying ‘The butter was already melting in the frying pan for the omelette when I suddenly realised I had forgotten to buy the eggs.’
A man was left penniless when his local cash machine would not dispense any money. He was forced to walk two hundred yards up the high street to the next machine.
Residents were evacuated safely from a two storey block of flats when a fire alarm was accidentally set off.
A passenger revealed the details of her nightmare journey when roadworks caused a traffic diversion. ‘I would have caught the number fifteen if I had known, I don’t usually get the number fifteen because it goes all round that estate where my sister used to live, though I used to get it when she did live there. Anyway, I got on the number fourteen outside Boots and low and behold I thought why are we turning here? I’m going to be late for the dentist… I started going to him in town as the ones round the corner were useless when I needed my root canal done. Five minutes late I was, though I needn’t have worried as the chap before me took extra time…
Work has been delayed yet again on a pensioner’s shed after his drill bit broke. Staff at his local B&Q saved the day by showing him to aisle 17b where he found the correct size.
The search continues for a five year old missing since Boxing Day. The white and tabby cat named Tibbles was last seen under the Christmas tree. His owner, who asked not to be named, said he had never gone missing before and blames herself for being away from her computer. ‘He usually drapes himself over the keyboard as soon as I sit down at my desk.’
Record numbers of shoppers did not attend the Boxing Day sales.
An unknown author was unable to post her blog as her new computer said ‘NO’. Returning from the Christmas break she switched it on, only to read constant messages saying it was updating and restarting.
DIY is fun and cheaper, unless it all goes horribly wrong.
Reasons not to Do It Yourself
1. If it goes wrong you will have to pay someone to fix it.
2. Most accidents happen at home and all accidents that happen at home involve DIY; either the person doing it or innocent bystanders. Hazards include…
A. Electrocution
B. Severing of limbs
C. Falling from heights
There are many big tasks that you cannot Do I Yourself – depending on which part of the world you live in these include…
1. Reroofing your house
2. Putting in new double glazing
3. Building an extension
4. Putting in a swimming pool / fish pond
5. Rewiring
6. New bathroom / kitchen
7. Digging a basement.
8. Felling Trees
Once you decide to go ahead with a project here are some handy points to remember.
Working out which company to use, or whether to call on that bloke you know from the Bottle and Brew, will take as long as the project itself so let’s skip that stage.
1. The arrival. Whatever time they have said they will come they will either arrive half an hour early while you are still in your dressing gown or two hours late… at the very moment you are taking an important phone call or visiting the bathroom.
2. Refreshments. Always offer tea, coffee or water in case they take revenge on mean customers… how often is tricky and depends on the weather – do they need warming up or cooling down and do you want to avoid them monopolising your toilet?
3. Mobile phones. Very useful, especially if they need to call their boss/base/office/factory ( see 4 ). It is a time wasting call if you hear them say ‘Okay Darling, can you put Mummy on the phone’ or ‘Okay Darls, see you tonight, love you… me too… ’
4. The Problem. There will always be a problem. Expect to be summoned before lunchtime with sucking in of teeth and shaking of head. They have forgotten a part, something is the wrong size or the ground is much harder than expected. More rare is the totally unexpected – see 6.
5. The Noise. Scaffold being put up, walls being demolished, trees being sawed… there is no project that will not annoy the neighbours and their dogs, but it helps if they have subjected you to noise, dust and inconvenience previously and you have not complained.
6. Major Delay. This usually involves a body or unexploded bomb in the back garden, great if you are a writer, not so good if you have no other home to go to. You will be evacuated and your property sealed off for the foreseeable future.
7. Normal Delay. Be thankful 6 hasn’t happened to you and be resigned to the fact the project will always take far longer than predicted due to the weather or The Problems.
But when the work is complete it will all have been worth it as you sit in your pool/ conservatory/designer garden – unless of course it has all gone horribly wrong and you have to take them to court…
Times and Tides of a Beachwriter 